Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

(Thanks to Adam for inspiring this post) "In my fantasy world, it's time for the next round of summer associate eliminations in the real-life reality game show that is Summer Associate Survivor. In this world, there are many summer associates, but only a few get offers. Already, some summer associates have been eliminated due to their performance in one of a number of competitions: (1) the due diligence relay, where one team of four failed to find the extra bracket on page 40 and were eliminated; (2) the document review-a-thon, where our eliminated friend forgot to redact the name of the library book our client's CEO returned three days late; (3) the five-mile-lunch, where three summers vomited after eating $50 meals at eight restaurants, one right after the other, and thus were eliminated; (4) the sleep-is-for-the-weary challenge, where during hour 64 of the stay-awake-during-the-world's-longest-conference-call, one thus-eliminated summer fell asleep; and (5) the picture database memorization exercise, where five summers were unable to commit the names and faces of every firm partner to memory within two hours of arriving, and were thus eliminated as well. So that got rid of 14. Now it's time to get rid of one more. You have three choices. The choice is yours.

(A) Larry Loveslaw, Hometown: Nashville, TN. In his slow southern drawl, Larry Loveslaw can talk about nothing but the 1940 Securities Act, as well as its implications on his ever-growing portfolio of personal investments. There's no denying that Larry is intelligent (and he'd be the first to agree with that), but where Larry really shines is in his willingness to think about nothing except for the task at hand. Last movie seen: The Paper Chase, during 1L orientation; Favorite TV show: Does not own a TV; Favorite food: cardboard; Leisure time activity: recreating landmark Supreme Court oral arguments using transcripts available on the Web, and his Supreme Court Paper Doll set, handcrafted by Larry's mom.

(B) Henrietta Husbandseeker, Hometown: Boston, MA. No one knows yet, but Henrietta's pregnant. With twins. Her one mission this summer is to find a husband, whether he's a partner, an associate, or a fellow summer. Heck, she's even thinking about asking the pretzel man on a date. She'll make a capable attorney, but that's not the life she wants. She wants a lawyer's salary, without all the effort. She wants three houses. And fourteen kids. Last movie seen: The Stepford Wives; Favorite TV show: Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? Favorite food: not sushi -- she's pregnant!; Leisure time activity: shopping.

(C) Walter Goofinoff, Hometown: Leningrad? Walter's here to have a good time. Not that he's not doing his work. He does his work. But he's here to have a good time. He goes on lunches every day, he smuggles Vodka into the office (he's from Russia, after all), he occasionally steals money out of other people's wallets. But he's well-intentioned, and he does do his work. Reasonably well. Last movie seen: Jackass: The Movie; Favorite TV show: Punk'd; Favorite food: Vodka; Leisure time activity: Raping and pillaging."