Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

An open letter from a Lexis Rep to the Director of a Law Firm Summer Program

To Whom It May Concern:

For over 40 years I've been working at the Lexis family of companies, moving up from an entry-level job inserting the asterisk page numbers into cases, to Assistant Shepardizer, to Managing Director of Elaborate Pricing Schemes, to my current post as Vice President of Our Silly Competition With Westlaw. In all of my years, I have never seen such irresponsible Lexis usage as that which has been perpetrated by the summer associates at your firm. 138 F.2d 651. Your summer associates have searched in databases too large, databases too small, inappropriate circuits, irrelevant secondary sources, and bizarre periodicals in their search for the timely legal knowledge a skilled Lexis user can locate -- and it ought to shame you that nothing has been done to address the problem. 75 U.S. 451. One summer associate, who shall remain nameless (but see 1P4R88B), was looking for cases where motions to dismiss were denied in the Third Circuit. He selected the database for All Cases, and searched for "motions to dismis." First of all, the database was too big, costing your client an extra $0.14. Second, he spelled dismiss incorrectly. Third, he used quotation marks. Everyone who wasn't dropped on his head as a child knows that you don't use quotation marks in Lexis. You use them in our evil nemesis who shall actually remain nameless. We at Lexis are too good for quotation marks. We hate quotation marks. Quotation marks, die, and never show your evil two-pronged faces again. You are the devil come to life. Much like another associate at your firm, who double clicked on the search button, COSTING YOUR CLIENT FOURTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS AND TWENTY-SEVEN CENTS! You don't double click in Lexis. One click is more than sufficient to release the power of the world's foremost legal database. How dare you doubt us and click twice. We are working. We are searching. We are processing. We do not need your extra click to spur us to action. We are already there. We are all-powerful. We are almighty. We are Lexis, KING of legal research. I must go roll in piles of money now. But I wanted to alert you to the impending doom you face if you do not address these critical malfunctions among your despicably incompetent summer class. Long live Lexis. Long live Mr. Shepard, who tirelessly tracks all of the cases cited by future cases. Long live Mr. History, who tirelessly tracks all of the searches you do. Long live Matthew Bender, who writes treatises that we pay to syndicate. Long live our good friends at Nexis. And long live you, but not your insipid summer associates.

Good day,
Your Friendly Lexis Rep