Just got back from the "Journals Fair," where editors from each of Harvard's nine law journals stood up and gave a five-minute speech, trying to get people to join their journal. Which was great, except they all gave... the SAME speech. There is simply no way to distinguish the International Law Journal from the Human Rights Journal from the Journal on Legislation from the other six from their speeches alone. No possible way. All the speeches sounded like this:

Good evening. I'm Law McLawyer, this year's assistant managing associate editor for the Harvard Journal on Cheese. I know you've been sitting through a lot of speeches this evening, but I think you'll find this one is different because of the unique opportunities afforded by joining the Journal on Cheese -- opportunities that are identical to those offered by all of the other journals.

The Journal on Cheese is a relatively new journal. We've been around for the same amount of time as all of the other journals. We're also a relatively small journal, with roughly the same amount of people as all of the other journals. We publish a series of articles in each of our issues, which come out a number of times throughout the year and are, if I may be so bold as to say, the longest journal issues on campus, approximately the same size as the issues of all of the other journals.

In each issue, we publish a wide variety of articles from law professors, judges, practitioners, janitors, and, yes, even students. In fact, the Journal on Cheese distinguishes itself by its commitment to publishing student articles each year -- in exactly the same number as all of the other journals. Last year, we published a fascinating article about the dried-up cheese on the outside of a bowl of French Onion soup written by a third-year student. We have copies outside at our table if you're interested, along with some candy -- the same candy, in fact, as all of the other journals have at their tables.

The Journal on Cheese is really a fun organization to be a part of. We're committed to being not just a sweatshop for first-year students desperate to pad their resume, but we also host a number of social events each year. That number is one. And the event is next week, when we will be hosting an open house to get you to sign up. We'll be providing valuable, interesting, and interminable training sessions over the next few weeks so you can learn how to check citations on articles. Which is of course the work you'll be doing, but in much lower amounts than any other journal would have you do, except if you actually count all of the minutes you'll spend on it.

We're also unique in that we allow first-years to come to our meetings and help us choose articles, just like all of the other journals. First-years play an integral role in helping us say that we have first-years on our journal without having to lie. In addition, from your work at the journal and your attendance at our meetings, there's the possibility of making one or two -- and even in a few rare cases, three -- friends. Some of the best people I've met at Harvard, I've met because of the Journal on Cheese.

In closing, I think it's quite clear why the Journal on Cheese provides the best and most unique opportunities on campus, opportunities that are exactly the same as all of the other journals. I hope you'll visit us at our table outside the lecture hall and sign up to receive reams of useless information about us and what we do. Thank you for listening, and I hope to see you all at our open house, which we've conveniently scheduled at exactly the same time as all of the other open houses.