Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Thursday, November 28, 2002

The World's Worst Cover Letter:

November 28, 2002 (Who cares about the December 1st restriction??)

Jones & O'Smith
123 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10101

Dear Hiring Partner (I would have called to get your name, but I was too lazy):

I'm a first-year law student at the 3rd-ranked law student in the country (we would have been first but there's a conspiracy), Harvard. I'm sure you've heard of it. I'm seeking a summer job where I can do very little and get paid a lot. Your firm seems like a perfect fit.

Ever since I was a child, I've had an interest in whatever type of law it is that you specialize in. The size of your firm, whether large or small, appeals to me very much. And the location is somewhere I've always wanted to live. Last summer, I worked for a firm that does very similar work to at least one firm that someone in your office may have heard of, meaning that I have the skills and talents needed to make a tremendous impact even from day one. Plus, my uncle went to high school with the guy who used to wash the windows at your building until the unfortunate accident.

In college, I was a member of the RBA (Resume Builders Association), where I served as Associate Treasurer and Second Vice President of Marketing and Publicity. Here at Harvard, I've become involved with a multitude of activities and interest groups, some of which are surely relevant to the work you do. I am most proud of my involvement with the Consortium on Getting Summer Jobs, where I've learned valuable tricks like how I should stamp "confidential" all over my envelope so it gets opened by you and not your secretary. Of course, that would be a more useful trick if I had bothered to call up and find out your name.

I think it's obvious that I'd be a perfect fit for a summer internship in whatever department is it that I seem to have expressed interest for in the first two paragraphs. I look forward to hearing from you with a salary offer. I will not actually take the time to call and follow up, so it is up to you to contact me. Be aware that my phone number appears nowhere on this letter or my resume. You'll have to do some detective work if you really want me.

I don't do interviews. So don't even ask.

I know you're cheating on your wife. I have pictures. Trust me.

A Future Partner At Your Firm