Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Friday, December 20, 2002

A Look Into The Future

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been watching too much television. Too much news. Too much about the public shaming of Trent Lott and the almost-imperceptible daily movement towards the war with Iraq – “United States issues international proclamation of badness” on Monday, “President Bush dreams of day when war with Iraq was not imminent” on Wednesday, and “New study shows war with Iraq is moving closer but potentially holds the key to curing leprosy,” on Friday.

I realized the other day that while they keep talking about war – war is coming, war is bad, war is expensive – they never consider the chance that we might lose. I know very little about the actual reality of foreign affairs, and I'm really just using this premise to make the funny part of what I'm writing make sense and have some context -- so I apologize if this is unintentionally offensive to say; I'm really just going for the joke here -- but it just doesn't seem to be within the realm of newsworthy possibility that Iraq would ever beat us and I suppose then take over the United States. Sounds silly even to say, I guess. Kind of funny. But imagine the news stories then.

Dateline: January 2004
Cambridge, MA

“Harvard Law School Renames Library”

Today, Harvard Law School announced that Langdell Hall, the largest academic law library in the world – and second only to the Library of Congress overall – would be renamed effective immediately due to the United States' defeat in the war against Iraq.

Saddam Hussein Library will reopen this afternoon. Without any books.

In addition, the Harkness Commons student center is set to be renamed the Hussein Center tomorrow morning at a ceremony in which the bar will be converted into a holding cell for infidels, the television will no longer receive HBO, and the Harkbox Café will discontinue offering the “Caffe Americano” variety of Starbucks coffee.

When classes resume next week, students will find that a number of courses have new titles. Evidence, Property, and Criminal Law will now be called, respectively, Fabricating Evidence, Government Property, and “Death! Death! Death!” Feminist Legal Theory has been cancelled and the professor has been hanged. First Amendment Law is expected to be cancelled, but the new law prohibiting the mention of the first amendment has made it impossible for a statement to be released.

Robert Clark, former dean of the law school, issued a statement today reading in part, “Boy am I glad I retired when I did!” But new dean Saddam Hussein, Jr. has big plans for the law school. Last week, he proclaimed to much fanfare, “I promise to make Harvard Law School #1 in the Iraqi News and World Report rankings. Down with Stanford.”

New dean of student life Saddam Hussein III, in a nod towards reform, promises to execute no more than 40% of the student body. And the Office of Financial Aid recently announced that the LIPP program will now forgive loans for students in military service, but will force those students who do any sort of good for society to pay double. All female law students, obviously, have been transferred to Lesley College, where they will learn how to sweep up rubble. (Lesley College officials refused to comment regarding the necessary expansion of their “sweep up rubble” program, which had previously been relatively unpopular as compared with the needlepoint and quilting departments.)

It was expected that given this set of changes, applications would drop, but since Harvard Business School has been converted into the world’s most luxurious missile-building factory, with diamond-studded 14-karat gold warheads being produced at a record pace, applications to the law school have in fact risen. This is a trend that has not affected at least one of Harvard’s competitors. A spokesperson for Yale Law School said in a press conference this morning, “we haven't really been affected by losing the war. After all, some may say that Iraq is actually an improvement over New Haven.”

Nevertheless, even as much of the law school changes, one thing will stay the same. The First-Year Lawyering program (FYL) has been praised by the Iraqis as fostering exactly the kinds of skills and talents they hope to instill in their future leaders. Thus the program will go unchanged, and will in fact be expanded to meet daily in Hussein East. I mean Hussein North. Or is it Hussein West? Students are instructed to gather by the big statue of Saddam Hussein made out of leftover squash and the correct classroom assignments will be posted.