According to Nightline Up Close: The Onion, on ABC just now, at the writers meetings, the writers pitch 25 headlines each. On the off chance that someone from The Onion tracks their website visitors by referring site, and on the off chance I click the following link 500 times in a row The Onion, and on the off chance someone clicks back and reads this, and on the off chance they need another writer... here are my 25 headlines.

1. Local Skydiver Sets Speed Record, Dies
2. War With Iraq Postponed Due To Inclement Weather
3. Super Bowl XXXVII watched by MMMMMMMCXXXIII people
4. 94% of American Children Have No Idea What Color Ketchup Really Is
5. "Happy Martin Luther King Day" Cards Not A Top Seller
6. Moderate Use of Alcohol Leads to Lower, Higher Heart Attack Risk
7. Paper Beaten By Rock In Upset
8. "Pie Diet" Fails To Produce Results
9. Senior Citizens: Pro or Con?
10. Baby Dangles Michael Jackson From Balcony
11. Lonely Planet Guide To Iraq Sells 17th Copy Nationwide
12. Reality TV Show About The Filming Of A Reality TV Show About The Filming Of A Reality TV Shw Wins Time Slot
13. Computer Beats Man In Chess, Blindfolded
14. New Shampoo Fails To Provide Organic Experience for Local Farmer
15. Students Cheats on Ethics Test, Fails To Recognize Irony
16. New American Idol Not Idolized, Hardly American
17. North Korea to U.S.: "Why Don't You Like Us?"
18. Homeless Man Gives Quarter To Other Homeless Man
19. Woman Using Fertility Drugs Makes History By Giving Birth To Just One Baby
20. Local News About Global Warming Down 70% Since Snowstorm
21. Ben & Jerry Split Up; Ben's Ice and Jerry's Cream Begin Supermarket Shipments
22. Babysitter Promises Never To Shake The Baby Again
23. "World's Largest Pancake" Eaten By "World's Largest Man"
24. Mexico Builds Wall Along U.S. Border to Keep Americans From Entering Illegally
25. Law School Student Creates Foolproof Scheme To Get Hired By the Onion (Ha!)