Coming soon to FOX... "Socratic Idol"

(Lights up on the Supreme Court, and a line of eager law students waiting outside. Sleeping bags, tents, everybody all bundled up in winter coats. Studying casebooks. Piles and piles of casebooks. Everyone wearing glasses, everyone speed-reading page after page after page. Emanuels, Gilberts, Casenotes, and every other legal outline imaginable litters the ground. Ryan Seacrest stands in front with a microphone.)

RYAN SEACREST
I'm Ryan Seacrest and we're here outside the United States Supreme Court where over three thousand law students have been lined up, hoping to get an audition for Socratic Idol, the new Fox reality show designed to find the next great legal scholar.

(Ryan walks over towards the mass of people. He picks one out, curled up in a sleeping bag, using her enormous Langdell coffee mug as a quite-serviceable hat, and reading a Civil Procedure casebook. She's excited to be on camera.)

RYAN SEACREST
What's your name?

LAW STUDENT VIOLET
Violet. Like the color.

RYAN SEACREST
Okay, Violet. And how long have you been waiting out here?

LAW STUDENT VIOLET
Five days. I got here Friday, and it's Monday now.

RYAN SEACREST
Uh, okay. And why are you here at the Socratic Idol auditions?

LAW STUDENT VIOLET
Well, Ryan, it's been my dream ever since I was two years old to be the next Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

RYAN
You have the looks for it.

VIOLET
Thank you. It all started in elementary school, when I couldn't resist getting into arguments with my classmates. I even kicked one in the leg once and got taken to court. After grade school, I debated in middle school, did Mock Trial in high school, and even participated in Moot Court my first semester at law school. But I'm still waiting for that big break. I want to get discovered by a great common law judge. I know I'm ready to be the next Socratic Idol.

RYAN SEACREST
Great story.

(Ryan goes down the line a bit more. The law students are screaming. He stops at a guy wearing a judge's robe.)

RYAN SEACREST
What's your name?

LAW STUDENT TOM
Tom.

RYAN SEACREST
How long have you been here, waiting in front of the Supreme Court?

LAW STUDENT TOM
Since last spring. My friends raised the money for me to get down here by working an extra hour at their corporate law firms. They raised seven zillion dollars that way. And all it cost them were their hobbies and friends. But I'm here against the wishes of my parents. They're not supportive of my dream.

RYAN SEACREST
They don't want to see their son be the next Socratic Idol?

LAW STUDENT TOM
No, this whole law school thing has been a tremendous disappointment for them. They wanted me to pick a career that was safer, more secure, less predicated on the whims of a few judges, hiring partners, admissions committees and standardized tests. They wanted me to be a pop singer in a boy band. But at the Mickey Mouse Club auditions, at the talent shows, at Pete Townshend's open casting call for young boys who want to be stars, and at my voice lessons, I'd always be reading the National Law Journal, briefing circuit court opinions, or practicing my Latin phrases. Ex ante! Sua sponte! Arguendo!

RYAN SEACREST
That's exactly the kind of legal jargon our judges are going to want to hear in the auditions. Good luck.

LAW STUDENT TOM
Thanks. I mean, a habeas corpus to you, Ryan!

RYAN SEACREST
Speaking of our judges, let's meet them now.

(Ryan runs down the line and into the Supreme Court building. He passes through the metal detector and it beeps.)

SECURITY GUARD
Excuse me, you'll have to step through again.

(Ryan puts down the microphone and walks back through. It beeps. The security guard waves the metal detector wand around him a few times. They find some change in his pocket. He takes it out, walks through again, and he's fine. He enters the courtroom, and three judges sit up top, where the Supreme Court justices would normally sit.)

RYAN
Here they are. US District Court Judge Randy Jackson, Supreme Court Justice Simon Cowell, and Traffic Court Judge Paula Abdul. Randy, what are you looking for in the next Socratic Idol?

RANDY
He or she has got to have the whole package. Broad knowledge of precedent cases, intimate familiarity with legal reasoning, the ability to draw analogies and make connections, lots and lots of Westlaw points, a broken spirit, a neatly written name card, and, of course, a winning smile.

RYAN
Paula?

PAULA
I'm looking for a law student who can make me want to bang my gavel.

SIMON
You're a moron.

PAULA
But I'm pretty, Simon. That's all that matters in jurisprudence anyway. And I'm so excited to be sitting up here. I feel just like Diana Ross.

SIMON
The Supreme Court, Paula. Not the Supremes.

PAULA
Same thing, Simon.

RYAN
Simon, what are you looking for?

SIMON
I'm looking for someone special, Ryan. Not the run of the mill law student, with the decent grades and decent LSAT. This isn't Socratic Practitioner, or Local Socratic Writing Instructor. This is Socratic Idol, and the next Socratic Idol has to be someone who can really be a star. I'm looking for young Antonin Scalias, feisty David Souters, law students with a presence like Sandra Day O'Connor and a confidence like William Rehnquist. The football skills of Byron White combined with the interpersonal relationship skills of Clarence Thomas. And the good looks of notable Circuit Court judge Elizabeth Hurley wouldn't hurt either.

RYAN
Elizabeth Hurley isn't a Circuit Court judge.

SIMON
Well, she should be!

RYAN
A tough standard to meet. But I think we're ready to start. Bring in the first contestant!

(Law Student Cathy enters, very excited.)

CATHY
Oh my god! I can't believe I'm finally here! Justice Cowell, I love you!

SIMON
That's great, but that's not why we're here. For that, you can see me after the competition. I'm wearing nothing under my robe.

RANDY
What case will you be answering questions about this morning, Cathy?

CATHY
Hawkins v. McGee

PAULA
That's one of my favorites. Good choice. (Paula pulls out a commercial outline to find the case)

SIMON
Okay, let's start easy. What was Hawkins' first name?

CATHY
Uh... Mortimer?

SIMON
I'm sorry. Which hand had the surgery?

CATHY
The right? No, the left. No, the right!

RANDY
Did you actually read the case?

CATHY
Yes, yes, I did, I swear. I'm just nervous. Give me one more chance. Let me appeal!

PAULA
I'm sorry, honey. It was a good try.

SIMON
That was dreadful. Simply dreadful.

CATHY
But-- But I go to Yale!

SIMON
I don't care where you go, that may have been the worst Socratic dialogue I have ever heard. You're simply not cut out for this.

PAULA
Simon, there's no need to be mean.

SIMON
I'm not being mean, I'm being honest. Clearly, she does not have what it takes to be the next Socratic Idol.

CATHY
But my law professors---

SIMON
Frankly, I think you should sue your law professors if they think you're gonna be able to make a living as a lawyer. Go back to vocational school, get a job as a bank teller, I don't know. But you're no lawyer. Dreadful. Absolutely dreadful. You deserve to be trying small claims cases in the smallest small claims court in the smallest county in the smallest state in the smallest country on the smallest planet in the smallest galaxy. And even there you should really only be a paralegal.

(Cathy exits, her dreams crushed.)

RYAN
Next we have Joseph, a 2L from Columbia.

(Joseph enters. He's got a great smile.)

PAULA
Wow. Joseph. You certainly have the looks to be a Socratic Idol, no question.

SIMON
But will his words be as bright as his smile?

RANDY
What case have you prepared for today?

JOSEPH
The Bernhard Goetz case, State v. Goetz.

PAULA
Criminal law. Interesting.

RANDY
So was it self-defense?

JOSEPH
I think we have no choice but to say that it was. He was genuinely scared, he thought was in danger. He had no choice but to shoot.

SIMON
What about the reasonable person standard?

JOSEPH
Only in some jurisdictions. The Model Penal Code says you just need a subjective belief, not an objective standard here.

RANDY
And when he went back and shot the kid again, after he paused and saw he wasn't dead?

JOSEPH
Uh... well, that's a tougher call to make...

SIMON
Come on, Joseph. A tougher call? Give me a break. There are no tough calls in Socratic dialogue. You either read my mind or you read the want ads. Get out of here before I throw this casebook at you.

PAULA
Ouch.

SIMON
I wasn't actually going to throw it at him, Paula.

PAULA
No, I was saying ouch because my brain hurts. From thinking.

RANDY
Look, Joseph, that wasn't bad, man, but I just don't think you're quite ready for the big time. Another year, perhaps. It wasn't bad, but you're still young. A lot of cases ahead of you, a lot of facts, a lot of theories, man. Legal reasoning, dissent, concurrences, all that jazz, man. You're just a kid.

PAULA
I think maybe criminal law just isn't your genre. You might want to try torts, or property.

SIMON
Why sugar coat it, Paula? You weren't good enough. You're not the worst lawyer in the country, but that doesn't make you the Socratic Idol. You're in over your head. Go back to state court, Joseph. I think that's where you belong. I don't think you're cut out to be dealing with choice of law and complicated issues like that. Save that for the real champions.

RANDY
Don't listen to him, man. Bone up on your arguments and come back next year and try again. I see potential.

PAULA
And don't lose the essence of you. Very important to stay within yourself and not try to be a justice you're not.

(Joseph exits, disappointed.)

RYAN
Our next contestant is Mary Beth, a 1L all the way from Stanford.

(Mary Beth enters, 3-piece suit, her hair pulled back)

PAULA
All the way from Stanford, wow.

SIMON
You've got to update the image, Mary Beth. You're an Eleanor Roosevelt in a Ruth Bader Ginsburg era.

RANDY
I don't know. I like the retro look, if it fits with the case.

PAULA
What have you prepared for us?

MARY BETH
Nurse v. Barns.

RANDY
See? An old english case. Perfect with the image. Nice choice.

SIMON
So what kind of damages were we talking about here?

MARY BETH
Consequential. And they were certainly foreseeable, as under Hadley. And easily calculable, as under Dempsey. An open and shut case.

SIMON
What if the expenses were incurred beforehand?

MARY BETH
Then it's an Anglia issue. When measuring expectancy, the timeline doesn't matter.

RANDY
And if we were in reliance?

MARY BETH
But we're not. It's distinguishable from every reliance case in the canon.

PAULA
I'm impressed.

RANDY
Nice job.

SIMON
I say pack your bags, you're going to the Senate Confirmation round.

(Mary Beth shrieks in joy)

PAULA
Definitely.

RANDY
Absolutely.

SIMON
See, Mary Beth, you are exactly what this competition is looking for. A bright young legal mind. Excellent job. Finally someone who we wouldn't be embarrassed to call the Socratic Idol.

MARY BETH
Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Justice Cowell, I love you!

RYAN
And there we have it, our first contestant going to the next round. After this commercial break, some more of the worst of legal scholarship, and some of the best. Stay tuned for more Socratic Idol... here on Fox....

(blackout)