Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Sunday, January 05, 2003

My short study break to get dinner has turned into my short study break to get dinner, watch a fascinating (yeah... sure...) 60 Minutes segment on the guy who edits the NY Times crossword puzzle, motivating me to go online and try (and fail) to do the free NY Times crossword puzzle from the archives, watch "Becker," perhaps the least entertaining show I've seen... all day... and now I'm halfway through the "King of Queens." And "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," which is actually funny, is on at 9:30, so I won't be returning to my short issue-spotting contracts outline until after that.

To justify that paragraph of relatively self-absorbed uninteresting details of the last two hours of my life, I need to write something really funny now so you actually return to the weblog tomorrow for more. How about... a brief Choose Your Own Adventure law school story.

Chapter 1: Harold is a law school student with exams coming up soon. He opens his contracts casebook. If you think Harold should study, go to chapter 2A. If you think Harold should throw it in the fireplace, go to chapter 2B.

Chapter 2A: Harold tries to study, but falls asleep from the boredom. He dreams of a happier time, when he was studying Astrology at Vassar. He wakes up and looks at the clock. If you want the clock to have moved ahead by 1 hour since Harold opened his book, go to chapter 3A. If you want the clock to have moved ahead by a week, and it is now 5 minutes before Harold's contracts exam, go congratulate yourself on screwing Harold's future... and go to chapter 3B.

Chapter 2B: Harold tosses the book in the fireplace and it catches fire. The fire alarm goes off. The fire inspectors come and arrest Harold. Then they realize they're not really police officers, so they let him go, but they issue him a $50 fine. To pay the fine, Harold sells his Criminal Law book back to the university bookstore. But that only gives him 71 cents. To get the rest of the money, Harold takes a job with a corporate law firm specializing in international interjurisdictional interpleader cases. I don't really know if those three words make sense together. Neither does Harold. Two years later, he throws himself into the fireplace. The end.

Chapter 3A: Harold can't believe he's only been asleep for an hour. He decides to make up the time by spending $6 on a venti vanilla latte at Starbucks mixed with Red Bull and Mountain Dew so he has enough caffeine to stay awake all night. His brain explodes. All over his contracts book. So even if he could still read without his brain (and he thinks thats probably what he was doing before anyway), the pages are all dirty. He sells the book back to the bookstore and gets 71 cents. And fails his exam. And, now brain-less, goes on a reality TV show and wins the fame and fortune that all reality TV participants are after. The end.

Chapter 3B: Harold runs to his exam, but trips and falls in the snow. Oops. As he tries to get up, his classmate Susan, also running to the exam, trips over him and falls. Their eyes lock. It's love at first sight. They decide to skip the exam, drop out of law schooll, get married, and live happily ever after. Working at Starbucks. The end.