New Saturday Night Live on in 15 minutes. Sad, but watching it may very well be the highlight of my day. I read on a website, a website, that they're going to do a parody of Joe Millionaire. If I was writing a law-school-related parody of Joe Millionaire... [dream sequence music, please]

[Lights up on a beach filled with female law students. And one man. Not a handsome man. Not a rich man. Not a charming man. But a man with a handful of paper.]

MAN: I'm Joe Final-Exam-Answers. And I have the answers to your final exams.

GIRL 1: Ooh! Joe Final-Exam-Answers! I love you!

GIRL 2: I've always dreamed of being with a guy... who had the exam answers. Joe, I can fulfill your every fantasy... if you can tell me how to test for personal jurisdiction.

GIRL 3: Joe, I'm a model. And you have the model answers. It's fate. Fate, I tell ya. Now tell me all about Hanna v. Plumer and how I can test the validity of a Federal Rule... and I'll make a brand new Federal Rule just for you, Joe...

[Another man enters, holding some more papers.]

MAN 2: I'm Joe Offer-Letter-for-Summer-Internship-at-Cravath. And I have a contract here that will pay you... twenty-five hundred dollars a week. [A stagehand whispers something in his ear.] Oh, we just got the Enron account. Three thousand dollars per week!

[The girls all run to the new Joe. Joe Final-Exam-Answers is sad.]

GIRL 1: I've always wanted to give myself to a guy... with an offer letter for a summer internship at Cravath. I'll make you stay up all night long... and not because you're Shepardizing cases. In fact, I'll let you Shepardize *my* case, if you know what I mean.

GIRL 2: You have offer letters for summer internships at Cravath... and I'm not wearing any clothes. It's fate, I tell ya! It's fate!

MAN 1: But I thought you all wanted me! Me! Joe Final-Exam-Answers!

[Blackout.]

[And, yeah, I know I need an ending...]