Budgetary cutbacks have forced the library to eliminate the following telephone services:

"Library Paper-Stapling Helpline"
"Library Coffee Mug Regulations Helpline"
"Library ID Card Swiping Helpline"
"Library Restroom Flushing Helpline"
"Library Cell Phone Policy Helpline"
"Library Locked-in-my-Carrel Helpline"
"Library I-Think-The-Guy-Sitting-Across-From-Me-Is-Masturbating-Under-The-Table Helpline"