Some thoughts about nighttime activities for law students:

We received a flyer in our mailboxes about a Harvard-MIT Valentine's Day matchmaking service. I think it's safe to assume that this endeavor was probably MIT's idea. The ninety-eight to two male-female ratio presumably does make it pretty difficult for MIT guys to get dates. Of course, I'm absolutely sure that's the only thing standing in their way.

I went to the website to check out the questionnaire. And, indeed, they're looking to match people up in terms of the most important qualities that two people need to share in order to be compatible:

1. My idea of the perfect Saturday night is:
(a) studying at home; (b) studying in the library; (c) studying in the student lounge; (d) recharging my graphing calculator

2. My favorite computer programming language is:
(a) Java; (b) Pascal; (c) Basic; (d) the one I used to program my last girlfriend

3. My career goal is:
(a) to one day be a guest on "Charlie Rose"; (b) to move to a secluded cabin in the mountains; (c) to grow a long and unkempt beard; (d) to get rid of the voices

4. My favorite movie is:
(a) A Beautiful Mind; (b) All About Eigenvalues; (c) Quantum Mechanics Lecture Series Volume 5; (d) Quantum Mechanics Lecture Series Volume 4

5. My last kiss was with:
(a) my mom; (b) my dog; (c) myself; (d) my roommate, but we were both drunk

6. My favorite fashion accessory is:
(a) my brown glasses; (b) my green glasses; (c) my black glasses; (d) my glasses with the masking tape

I filled out my questionnaire and sent it back. Twelve seconds later, I received an e-mail telling me that my top three most perfect matches are the woman who alphabetizes signed promissory notes in the financial aid office, the automated student organizations activity notifier (it's a real person; her first name is Jennifer), and Stephen Hawking.

However, I wasn't able to set up a date with any of them, because all of my nights are busy going to law firm receptions. I find it ironic that some of them are held at the House of Blues. Because what better way to describe a law firm than a "House of Blues?" Can't get much bluer than sitting in an office all day searching Westlaw. "Join us for cocktails and conversation." "Cocktails first. We need you as drunk as possible in order for us to have any chance to convince you that we're different from all of the other firms."

If I could bring myself to pass up the reception for Sleepy, Grumpy, and Doc LLP, according to another e-mail, I could attend the Jewish Law Student Association's Board Games night, featuring Taboo and Pictionary. The card set for Taboo: The Orthodox Edition (suitable for any religion, in fact - I'm trying for an equally-offensive punchline regardless of what you believe in) has twenty-one thousand cards, with such "taboo" activities as "smiling," "conversing with members of the opposite gender," and "thinking marginally-dirty thoughts about undergarments." And Pictionary might be a challenge as well - how exactly can we draw a picture of God? Especially with this one lousy crayon.

But the very best way to spend our nights is at none of these activities. It's at the cafeteria, enjoying "this afternoon's lunch at tonight's prices." I think that should be the dinnertime slogan. Just like the slogan for the soup should be "yesterday's side dishes, in last week's broth," the slogan for the calzones should be "last week's leftovers in last month's extra pizza dough," and the slogan for breakfast at the cafeteria should be "what on Earth are you thinking??"

MIT just sent me another e-mail. Apparently my new "most perfect match" is Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.