Working on brief for first-year-lawyering class... and not really much more to say about grades after yesterday's posts. So I figured I'd resort to bathroom humor today, for a change of pace. Apologies to any first-time readers... this one's a but more low-brow than where I usually aspire to go.
"World's Worst Law Careers Panel Discussion"
[Lights up on a long table where the lawyers sit, ready to start their panel discussion.]
Moderator:
Good afternoon to the [she counts with her finger] seven students who’ve shown up today for our exciting World of Law panel. We’ll be focusing on a quickly-moving field of law this afternoon – bathroom law. Our three distinguished guests are experts in the field. First, from Ropes Gray, third-year associate Rhonda Flush. From Milbank, hiring partner for the insurance, finance, and excretion practice group, Harry Septic. And from Shearman and Sterling, founding partner Bob Shearman.
Shearman:
It’s pronounced “Charmin.”
Moderator:
Oh, I’m sorry. Bob Charmin.
[students applaud.]
Moderator:
First, I’d like you each to tell us how you got involved in bathroom law, and why you think it’s one of the most compelling areas of law today. Ms. Flush?
Flush:
Thanks. Let me start off with a question. How many of you have ever gone to the bathroom? (some hands go up, not all.) Most of you, that’s great. So clearly, bathroom law is something that affects virtually everybody’s daily lives, or at least a few times a week. I like to tell people a story about one of my early clients. An elderly couple walked into the office, pretty much dripping with dung. I had been working in bathroom law for only about a week, but the receptionist knew exactly where to send them. They came into my office, wiped themselves off, and told me this awful story about being in a department store and the wife having the urge to relieve herself. So she went into the bathroom – he was standing outside – and something didn’t seem right. First flush, not everything went down. So she calls him into the stall with her, and they flush again. And – BAM! – the toilet explodes, covering them both in feces. It was awful. We sued the department store and the toilet manufacturer, and came away a winner. And ever since then, this has been my passion.
Septic:
My story is a lot like Rhonda’s – just think cows instead of people, and buckets instead of toilets. But I want to talk more about the day-to-day of bathroom law. It’s not just the people coming into your office covered in excrement. Although that’s certainly part of it. It’s also safety issues – one of my clients had a baby sucked down the bottom of the toilet when she flushed. We sued the manufacturer, the installer, and the city fire department for breaking the baby’s arm when they fished her out of the sewer. It’s not just litigation either, it’s also contracts – I work with construction companies that rent Port-a-Pottys. It’s amazing how complex the rules are regarding how many workers per toilet and how many rolls of toilet paper per day a company is required to provide. I also defended 2000 Flushes in a class action suit claiming that after 1474 flushes, the product was no longer functioning properly. It turned out that the complainants had high-capacity units. That project was a great way to get hands-on experience in the field, as was my very first assignment when I joined the insurance, finance, and excretion practice group – figuring out how bathroom law varied across the 50 states by going to each one and taking a crap at a rest stop. It was perhaps the best experience I’ve had in all my time here at Milbank.
Shearman:
I founded Shearman in part to capitalize on the demands for experienced bathroom law attorneys back in the 1960s. Federal regulations regarding the diameter of toilet seats, the number of gonorrhea bacteria allowed per square inch of a public toilet, the maximum odor anyone’s personal excrement is permitted to have – these were all pressing, pressing issues. I’m proud that I’ve been able to grow my firm into a leader in bathroom law – and the choice of 8 of the top 10 toilet manufacturers. This means that at Shearman, even a first year associate can get his hands dirty right away.
Moderator:
Thanks. The panelists will now take questions from the audience.
Student 1:
I’m often constipated. Will this make job advancement difficult?
Moderator:
Why don’t you take that one, Harry.
Septic:
Not at all. I can’t speak for my colleagues’ firms, but at Milbank we’ve got people of all different bowel consistencies and volumes. And our senior partner wears Depends.
Moderator:
One final question before time is up?
Student 2:
What kind of summer position would you recommend to a 1L who wants to get into bathroom law?
Flush:
I’d say definitely one where you’ll be sitting down.
[they all laugh]
Flush:
No, seriously, I’d say the best thing you can do is observe. Watch people using the toilet – family members, strangers, even well-trained cats and dogs. Notice the problems they have, keep a keen eye for the bathroom challenges people face. Then you’ll be in a great position to get a job with one of us after your 2L year.
Moderator:
Thank you to our three panelists, and to the students who were here. Join us for some finger food and other refreshments across the hall.
[blackout]
"World's Worst Law Careers Panel Discussion"
[Lights up on a long table where the lawyers sit, ready to start their panel discussion.]
Moderator:
Good afternoon to the [she counts with her finger] seven students who’ve shown up today for our exciting World of Law panel. We’ll be focusing on a quickly-moving field of law this afternoon – bathroom law. Our three distinguished guests are experts in the field. First, from Ropes Gray, third-year associate Rhonda Flush. From Milbank, hiring partner for the insurance, finance, and excretion practice group, Harry Septic. And from Shearman and Sterling, founding partner Bob Shearman.
Shearman:
It’s pronounced “Charmin.”
Moderator:
Oh, I’m sorry. Bob Charmin.
[students applaud.]
Moderator:
First, I’d like you each to tell us how you got involved in bathroom law, and why you think it’s one of the most compelling areas of law today. Ms. Flush?
Flush:
Thanks. Let me start off with a question. How many of you have ever gone to the bathroom? (some hands go up, not all.) Most of you, that’s great. So clearly, bathroom law is something that affects virtually everybody’s daily lives, or at least a few times a week. I like to tell people a story about one of my early clients. An elderly couple walked into the office, pretty much dripping with dung. I had been working in bathroom law for only about a week, but the receptionist knew exactly where to send them. They came into my office, wiped themselves off, and told me this awful story about being in a department store and the wife having the urge to relieve herself. So she went into the bathroom – he was standing outside – and something didn’t seem right. First flush, not everything went down. So she calls him into the stall with her, and they flush again. And – BAM! – the toilet explodes, covering them both in feces. It was awful. We sued the department store and the toilet manufacturer, and came away a winner. And ever since then, this has been my passion.
Septic:
My story is a lot like Rhonda’s – just think cows instead of people, and buckets instead of toilets. But I want to talk more about the day-to-day of bathroom law. It’s not just the people coming into your office covered in excrement. Although that’s certainly part of it. It’s also safety issues – one of my clients had a baby sucked down the bottom of the toilet when she flushed. We sued the manufacturer, the installer, and the city fire department for breaking the baby’s arm when they fished her out of the sewer. It’s not just litigation either, it’s also contracts – I work with construction companies that rent Port-a-Pottys. It’s amazing how complex the rules are regarding how many workers per toilet and how many rolls of toilet paper per day a company is required to provide. I also defended 2000 Flushes in a class action suit claiming that after 1474 flushes, the product was no longer functioning properly. It turned out that the complainants had high-capacity units. That project was a great way to get hands-on experience in the field, as was my very first assignment when I joined the insurance, finance, and excretion practice group – figuring out how bathroom law varied across the 50 states by going to each one and taking a crap at a rest stop. It was perhaps the best experience I’ve had in all my time here at Milbank.
Shearman:
I founded Shearman in part to capitalize on the demands for experienced bathroom law attorneys back in the 1960s. Federal regulations regarding the diameter of toilet seats, the number of gonorrhea bacteria allowed per square inch of a public toilet, the maximum odor anyone’s personal excrement is permitted to have – these were all pressing, pressing issues. I’m proud that I’ve been able to grow my firm into a leader in bathroom law – and the choice of 8 of the top 10 toilet manufacturers. This means that at Shearman, even a first year associate can get his hands dirty right away.
Moderator:
Thanks. The panelists will now take questions from the audience.
Student 1:
I’m often constipated. Will this make job advancement difficult?
Moderator:
Why don’t you take that one, Harry.
Septic:
Not at all. I can’t speak for my colleagues’ firms, but at Milbank we’ve got people of all different bowel consistencies and volumes. And our senior partner wears Depends.
Moderator:
One final question before time is up?
Student 2:
What kind of summer position would you recommend to a 1L who wants to get into bathroom law?
Flush:
I’d say definitely one where you’ll be sitting down.
[they all laugh]
Flush:
No, seriously, I’d say the best thing you can do is observe. Watch people using the toilet – family members, strangers, even well-trained cats and dogs. Notice the problems they have, keep a keen eye for the bathroom challenges people face. Then you’ll be in a great position to get a job with one of us after your 2L year.
Moderator:
Thank you to our three panelists, and to the students who were here. Join us for some finger food and other refreshments across the hall.
[blackout]
posted by Anonymous @ 5:51 PM
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