The World's Worst Summer Job Phone Interview

LAWYER
Hello, is this Student?

STUDENT
Mom?

LAWYER
No. This is Richie Rich from Rich, Rich, and Rich Associates. We set up this phone interview for a summer job, remember?

STUDENT
No. I don't. But that's okay.

LAWYER
Is now a good time?

STUDENT
Yes, it's perfect. Let me just turn the volume down on the adult video I'm watching. (the rest of the line originally read "...and pull up my pants" but I thought that was too graphic.)

LAWYER
Yes, why don't you do that.

STUDENT
What firm did you say you were with?

LAWYER
Rich, Rich, and Rich Associates. You can just call us Rich for short.

STUDENT
I'm so excited about the possibility of working for your firm. I really want to be in New York for the summer.

LAWYER
Our office is in Stockholm.

STUDENT
Yes, that's what I meant.

LAWYER
So what made you apply to Rich Associates?

STUDENT
Well, I was definitely most influenced by the fact that your firm and its contact information was in the mail merge file I downloaded.

LAWYER
Oh.

STUDENT
And of course the work you do.

LAWYER
Like for example?

STUDENT
That work you do. On behalf of those companies. And the litigation they're involved in.

LAWYER
Could you be any more specific?

STUDENT
No, I'd rather not.

LAWYER
I see. I noticed on your resume -- right next to the blood stain -- that you're very involved with the Target Shooting Club.

STUDENT
Yes. I love target shooting. I like it even better without the targets.

LAWYER
I was wondering how your interest in target shooting is related to your interest in our firm.

STUDENT
Well, target shooting can hurt people, and, well, so does your firm.

LAWYER
That's actually a fantastic answer.

STUDENT
I know. I used it in a previous interview and got a great reaction so I figured I'd add it to the piece of paper with all of my standard answers that I'm currently reading off of. I can move to question 6 now, if you'd like. About my work on the Journal of Cheese.

LAWYER
I can't say I'm familiar with the latest in cheese law.

STUDENT
Neither am I. I'm only on the journal because it looks good on my resume. In fact, that's why I do everything that's listed there. To tell you the truth, I don't even go to class -- but listing my courses on my resume still looks pretty freaking awesome, don't you think? Corporations? Tax? Bankruptcy? It makes me look so knowledgeable! It's wonderful!

LAWYER
Yes, I noticed all of those courses. I was wondering about references. You didn't send me a sheet with any professors I can call.

STUDENT
Yeah, I know. I couldn't get any to agree to say good things about me. But I'm happy to give you the phone number of my parole officer. Just don't tell him where I am.

LAWYER
I thought I'd end by telling you a little bit about the work you'd be doing as a summer associate.

STUDENT
No, that's ok. Every firm is the same. I already know what you're going to say.

LAWYER
Great! Well, it's been a delight talking to you this afternoon.

STUDENT
Yes, same here. I look forward to hearing from you after you've made the hiring decisions.

LAWYER
Yes, I'll be sure to drop a form letter in the mail twelve weeks after the summer ends. Best of luck.

STUDENT
Say hello to your wife for me.

(end)