The best thing about being in the law school's parody show, without a doubt, has been getting to see the Dean putting on stage makeup while wearing an ape suit. I think a video of that alone - the Dean of Harvard Law School in an ape suit putting on lipstick - sent to all of the admitted students - would lead to the highest enrollment yield ever. I think it would somehow humanize the institution in a way that a tour of the library can't.

Instead, the admitted students this weekend will be treated to a weekend of well-choreographed and carefully-managed activities and events designed to demonstrate that our library has books, our courses are taught by professors, and our financial aid office needs your tax returns. Inspiring stuff. I took a peek at the schedule:

SUNDAY

9:00 AM: Admitted students line up outside of Health Services for a lice check.

10:00 AM: Career services panel: "How to start looking for a job before you even start law school. First of a twelve-part series." Also available on audiotapes for the car ride home.

11:00 AM: Financial aid lecture: "We know where you're hiding that inheritance."

11:00 AM: "I'm Not On Financial Aid" lecture: "Tips on tolerating classmates without trust funds."

12:00 PM: Lunch, provided by anywhere but the cafeteria. Be careful of the cafeteria employees, who will be lining up to get their first taste of edible food all semester.

1:00 PM: Bar-Bri recruitment rally. Lock in the low price now, before it goes up.

2:00 PM: Yearbook order form collection. Lock in the low price now, before it goes up.

3:00 PM: Panel discussion: "Training for the Law Review Competition, a year in advance."

4:30 PM: Guided tour of a typical dorm room. (Please reserve in advance, due to space constraints.)

4:31 PM: Lecture: "The History of Harvard Law School's Admitted Students Weekend." Sponsored by the committee on self-important events.

5:00 PM: Sample 1L class and spider solitaire tutorial.

6:00 PM: Introduction to the pro bono requirement. Attendance counts towards fulfilling the 40-hour requirement. Attendance for all 40 hours of the meeting fulfills all pro bono requirements.

7:00 PM: "Picnic under the slush."

8:00 PM: Movie night. Choose from: "Soul Man," "How High," or "Stealing Harvard."

9:00 PM: "Legacy Party," presented by the Student Activities Council.

10:00 PM: "I'm Choosing Yale Instead Party," presented by U.S. News and World Report.

MONDAY

12:00 AM: Sale of used books begins at the bookstore.

12:05 AM: All used books are now sold out.

3:00 AM: Random construction and/or snow plow collision outside the window of wherever you are sleeping. Sponsored by facilities management.

7:00 AM: Deadline for nominations for "Admitted Student Section Representative."

8:00 AM: Breakfast reception, Wilkie Farr law firm, "It's never too early to start recruiting you."

9:00 AM: Subciting competition, Library.

10:00 AM: The price of a Bar-Bri review course has already risen by $10 since yesterday. Haven't you signed up yet?

11:00 AM: Lexis-Nexis raffle for 3500 Lexis points.

12:00 PM: Lexis-Nexis lecture: "Making the Most out of your Lexis points... and why you shouldn't use Westlaw."

1:00 PM: Concluding remarks (and introductory 1L elective information session), Registrar's office.

2:00 PM: Your car has been towed. You can't leave.

3:00 PM: No, really. You're stuck.

In all seriousness, after a semester and a half of law school, I have two pieces of advice for admitted students, to help them make their decision:

1. Don't believe any advice that starts with the word "everybody." The stereotypes just don't hold true. There are all kinds of people here, who do all kinds of things. That's part of what makes it interesting.

2. You'd better like snow.