Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

The Children's Guide to Law School: a work-in-progress


You know how when Daddy's driving the car really fast and Mommy tells him to slow down or the police will come and give him a ticket? You know how when Mommy says she's going to kill Daddy, she doesn't actually kill him for real? You know how when you go out to a restaurant, Daddy isn't allowed to bring in his concealed handgun?* Well, the reason for all of these things is that we live in a country where there are laws. Laws tell people what they can and cannot do, kind of like Mommy does except when you don’t listen to Mommy, all she does is lock you in a closet and hit you with a sharp stick.** When you don’t listen to laws, the police come and put you in jail. And you don’t want to go to jail. Because they do bad things to little kids in jail. (And on Michael Jackson’s ranch, but that’s a different book altogether.) Anyway, this book is all about where people go when they want to learn the laws and help people stay out of jail – or help put people in jail who do bad things, think about doing bad things, or fit certain racial or ethnic profiles regardless of whether or not they did any bad things. The place people go is called Law School. And Law School is a lot like pre-school – there’s lots of crying, and nobody likes to share. Except instead of fingerpainting, students at Law School Shepardize. Shepardizing is a trademark of the Lexis-Nexis corporation, which maintains a big computer database of all of the cases ever decided in court. Court is where Uncle John went after he touched that pretty girl in the wrong place. Lexis-Nexis is kind of like a big toy chest that you open up and discover it’s filled with lots and lots of horse manure. But, if you dig through the horse manure often enough, Lexis-Nexis gives you prizes. It sounds strange, I know. But a lot of things about Law School are strange. Like the people inside. This book will teach you all about Law School and the strange things that happen there. So come on board the flying toy chest filled with horse manure sponsored by our friends at Lexis and get ready for an exciting ride!

(*applicable only in Texas editions of the book)
(**applicable only in Singapore editions of the book)