A pretty random sketch, sort of about affirmative action, but really just me trying to be funny. I'm working on a better ending.

Black and White Cookie

(BAKER is behind the counter at a bakery, carefully setting out his black-and-white cookies. He sings a little tune.)

BAKER (singing)
Black and white cookies are nice and sweet
Make for a fine dessert time treat
All the men and women they love to eat
My secret ingredient’s a half a pound of meat...

(CUSTOMER walks in)

CUSTOMER
Good morning, Mr. Baker.

BAKER
Good morning, hungry-looking sir.

CUSTOMER
You know, I was just thinking the other day what a fine coincidence it is that your last name is Baker, and you happen to be a baker.

BAKER
That’s no coincidence, sir. I changed my name. My last name used to be Cleans the Sewer.

CUSTOMER
How pleasant.

BAKER
But enough about me and how I didn't wash my hands before I baked these cookies. How can I help you?

CUSTOMER
I’d like a black and white cookie, please.

BAKER
Excellent choice. Since they’re the only things I have. Here you go. (he hands Customer a cookie)

CUSTOMER
(he gasps in shock) Mr. Baker, this cookie is at least 90 percent white. There’s hardly any black at all on here.

BAKER
Really?

CUSTOMER
Really. Take a look.

(Baker takes a look.)

BAKER
Wow. You’re right. I hadn’t realized that.

CUSTOMER
Don’t you use a ruler, or measure out the frosting, or some other way to ensure an equal mix of black and white?

BAKER
No can do. The Supreme Cookie Court outlawed quotas. In an opinion written by Justice Candy.

CUSTOMER
I think you mean Justice Kennedy.

BAKER
Perhaps. In any event, I can’t have a set amount of black and white frosting in mind when I start. I can’t have a target I’m trying to meet, or any kind of system aimed at ensuring equality. I just need to wing it, and kind of try to make sure there’s a decent mix of the two. But no quotas.

CUSTOMER
But I like the black side better, and there’s hardly any black on my cookie.

BAKER
That’s not my fault, sir. I don’t make the rules, I just make the cookies. I don’t know why you don’t like the white frosting. It’s without question the most qualified frosting there can be on a cookie of this type. It passed the quality inspection with flying colors, mostly white, which I guess isn’t really a color... but anyway, it comes from very stable parents – flour and sugar, very well respected in the baking community – and it’s really well-positioned to flow through your digestive system smoothly and end up in the sewer without incident. And I know the sewer system quite well from my last job, before I changed my name.

CUSTOMER
That’s all well and good, but I like the black side better. I want more of it.

BAKER
No one told you to come to my bakery, sir. This is an elite institution. I’ve baked for David Duke. You could have gone to the co-op down the street, or just gotten an apple pie at Burger King. Or bought some cookies from the unaccredited store on the Internet. I hear they’re getting very popular. But if you want to buy a cookie from my bakery, you need to realize that the frosting has certain standards it needs to meet.

CUSTOMER
But the black frosting tastes so sweet...

BAKER
That’s ridiculous. It’s the same ingredients. You’re imagining things.

CUSTOMER
But if it's the same ingredients... why are they different colors?

BAKER
What am I, a scientist? I'm just a baker. Take your perplexing questions elsewhere. I don't make sense, I just make cookies.

(CUSTOMER 2 enters.)

BAKER
May I help you?

CUSTOMER 2
Yes, I’d like to place an order for some dark pumpernickel bread.

CUSTOMER 1
You gonna give him white bread instead, Mr. Baker?

BAKER
No, you ignorant fool. Everyone knows the Supreme Cookie Court has absolutely no jurisdiction over bread. Bread's covered by a statute.

(blackout.)