"Where's My E-mail?"

I can't believe it. Can't they ever plan ahead? It's already June and nothing yet this summer from the career services office at school. How do they expect me to be able to interview for law firm jobs two and a half months from now when they haven't yet started flooding my inbox with needlessly complicated instructions? Where's an e-mail about how I have to submit eight copies of my left thumb fingerprint to the registrar by Tuesday, August 32nd at 26 o'clock or else I will be slotted in round Q of the law firm interview lottery and only have a 41% chance of getting 7 of my top 12 firm choices in 2 of my top 3 city selections? Where? Where? Where?

How am I supposed to know if Lonely and Depressed LLP is interviewing before or after Sullen, Withdrawn and Partners if they don't send me a schedule. How am I supposed to find time to do my firm research if I don't have an e-mail from career services telling me where Stressed, Overworked, and Premature Artery Blockage (Blockage is pronounced like Fromage; they're a French firm) is interviewing.

At least my schedule is fairly open most evenings; I don't work too late, so if I get the e-mails in a week or two, I'll still have time to figure it all out. Just barely. But what about my friends at law firms? How will they ever...? Especially with all of the events the firms plan for them. I hear stories of fancy dinners at the best restaurants (those people who took jobs in Milwaukee are kicking themselves right about now... three nights in a row at Applebee's? I know it's the best restaurant in town, but still...), tickets to baseball games, Broadway shows, and tapings of The People's Court, trips to white-collar prison to visit the firm's fallen colleagues, free nights in cheap motels with hookers... oh wait, they weren't supposed to expense that? But the gambling was okay, right? And the heroin? Only
up to a hundred dollars? A hundred Euros? I don't understand all of these regulations.

Every time I ask my boss to reimburse me for my Metrocard expenses, I think of my friends at law firms, making twenty-five billion - excuse me, trillion - dollars a week, and don't feel jealous at all. Because they still ride the subway one stop at a time. Except they take taxis. Gold-plated taxis. Driven by people who speak fluent English. Gosh. But I had a gourmet lunch today. Two steamed pork buns for a dollar. Amazing deal. They were worth it. Every penny. My boss brought his dog to work and he was begging for scraps. But I don't know if American dogs eat Chinese food. I didn't want to risk it. Making your boss's dog vomit - not a good idea. Except at a law firm, where the odds that it would affect your ultimate chances of getting an offer are probably pretty slim. Killing the
dog, maybe. If you also killed your boss. Otherwise, I'm guessing you're home free. Well, not free exactly. Twenty-five trillion dollars a week. And your own secretary.

It's now been seven minutes since I started writing this (can't you tell?), and still no e-mail from career services. But I did get something about a computer virus that's evidently invading the system. Their virus "cure" instructions: "If your computer is infected, the recommended approach is to immediately remove the computer from the network to prevent damage from hackers and to rebuild the machine from scratch." Okay, so the "cure" is to erase everything off of your hard drive and start over. And that's better than what the virus would do because... yeah, that's what I thought. It's a good thing doctors don't follow the same rules. "I've got it! A cure for
diphtheria! All you have to do is leap off the roof! No more sickness!" "Hey, you're stealing! That's exactly the same as my cure for tetanus!" "But then what's the cure for leaping off the roof?" "Asphyxiation." "Oh."

I think that's the cure for the recruiting process too.