Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

"How to Excel at Law Firm Job Interviews," by the National Association of Late-Night Telemarketers

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

You: Why? Here's why. Three words. Speed, versatility, and value. First: speed. Most employees operate on only one speed. But the law-o-matic 3000 -- I mean, me -- I operate on twelve speeds. Blend, grate, chop, dice, mix, stir, shake, whip, grind, pulverize, atomize, and demolish. Fully adjustable, voice-activated, wireless, carbon-based, no need for expensive batteries, runs quietly, automatic shut-off, won't cost you hundreds of dollars in electric bills, and hardly spills. Second: versatility. Some employees just do one thing, like file. But the Law Lion Millennium Edition is like twenty-three lawyers in one. It files, faxes, reads, writes, copies, types, phones, e-mails, conferences, memos, briefs, argues, revises, submits, researches, staples, clips, binds, records, notarizes, alphabetizes, Shepardizes, and bills accurately -- all without clumsy attachments, small easy-to-swallow parts, tangled cords, expensive accessories, hard-to-replace filters, wasteful pulp and seeds, breakable handles, dangerous sharp edges, or addictions to Internet porn. Third: value. Comparable lawyers often sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and require expensive moving allowances, signing bonuses, bar fees, and more. But if you hire me today, I can be yours for just fifty-two easy payments of $2404. That's right, just fifty-two easy payments of $2404. Plus, if you act within the next thirty minutes, I'll bring my own stapler, give up the dental plan, and proofread your web site -- a three hundred dollar value! Free, if you act now. Operators are standing by, laptop and Blackberry not included.

Interviewer: Well, can you explain the C on your transcript?

You: Yes, the C was an unfortunate bug in our prior model, the Law-o-Saurus 500X. We've retired that version and replaced it with the brand new Law-o-Saurus Deluxe XP, and the bug that caused the C has been fixed.

Interviewer: How about your LSAT score? Can you explain that?

You: In independent tests performed by our non-partisan institute, the Law School Admissions Council-o-Matic Deluxe Special Edition, I have consistently scored between 175 and 180. I see no evidence that the "official" version as administered has any greater validity than our own independent tests, validated by a man in a white coat, and another man who wears glasses. Crash tests have also shown that I can withstand a pressure equivalent to that of three hiring partners standing on my back and yelling profanities at me.

Interviewer: Am I reading your resume right -- it says one of your interests is placing small ads in local newspapers, and somehow turning them into a consistently weekly cash flow of up to $50,000, results may vary?

You: That's right. I also buy and sell real estate from my home, with no money down, and earn seven-figure profits using an easy five-step plan anyone can follow on the path to Easy Street.

Interviewer: And you used to weigh 500 pounds.

You: Indeed. But with a healthy shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible bowl of leaves for dinner, I've been able to take off the weight -- and keep it off! -- without pills, laxatives, suppositories, vomiting, untested herbal supplements, artificial drugs, natural flavors, food coloring, invasive surgery, electroshock therapy, psychotropic medications, fish food, fatal illness, or brussels sprouts.

Interviewer: Thanks. Just to finish up, do you have any questions for us?

You: Actually, I do. How would you like to turn your messy closets into neat, organized works of art, without expensive construction, backbreaking labor, or magic potions?

Interviewer: Hmm... That does sound useful... You're hired!