"How to Excel at Law Firm Job Interviews," by the National Association of Late-Night Telemarketers

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

You: Why? Here's why. Three words. Speed, versatility, and value. First: speed. Most employees operate on only one speed. But the law-o-matic 3000 -- I mean, me -- I operate on twelve speeds. Blend, grate, chop, dice, mix, stir, shake, whip, grind, pulverize, atomize, and demolish. Fully adjustable, voice-activated, wireless, carbon-based, no need for expensive batteries, runs quietly, automatic shut-off, won't cost you hundreds of dollars in electric bills, and hardly spills. Second: versatility. Some employees just do one thing, like file. But the Law Lion Millennium Edition is like twenty-three lawyers in one. It files, faxes, reads, writes, copies, types, phones, e-mails, conferences, memos, briefs, argues, revises, submits, researches, staples, clips, binds, records, notarizes, alphabetizes, Shepardizes, and bills accurately -- all without clumsy attachments, small easy-to-swallow parts, tangled cords, expensive accessories, hard-to-replace filters, wasteful pulp and seeds, breakable handles, dangerous sharp edges, or addictions to Internet porn. Third: value. Comparable lawyers often sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars, and require expensive moving allowances, signing bonuses, bar fees, and more. But if you hire me today, I can be yours for just fifty-two easy payments of $2404. That's right, just fifty-two easy payments of $2404. Plus, if you act within the next thirty minutes, I'll bring my own stapler, give up the dental plan, and proofread your web site -- a three hundred dollar value! Free, if you act now. Operators are standing by, laptop and Blackberry not included.

Interviewer: Well, can you explain the C on your transcript?

You: Yes, the C was an unfortunate bug in our prior model, the Law-o-Saurus 500X. We've retired that version and replaced it with the brand new Law-o-Saurus Deluxe XP, and the bug that caused the C has been fixed.

Interviewer: How about your LSAT score? Can you explain that?

You: In independent tests performed by our non-partisan institute, the Law School Admissions Council-o-Matic Deluxe Special Edition, I have consistently scored between 175 and 180. I see no evidence that the "official" version as administered has any greater validity than our own independent tests, validated by a man in a white coat, and another man who wears glasses. Crash tests have also shown that I can withstand a pressure equivalent to that of three hiring partners standing on my back and yelling profanities at me.

Interviewer: Am I reading your resume right -- it says one of your interests is placing small ads in local newspapers, and somehow turning them into a consistently weekly cash flow of up to $50,000, results may vary?

You: That's right. I also buy and sell real estate from my home, with no money down, and earn seven-figure profits using an easy five-step plan anyone can follow on the path to Easy Street.

Interviewer: And you used to weigh 500 pounds.

You: Indeed. But with a healthy shake for breakfast, one for lunch, and a sensible bowl of leaves for dinner, I've been able to take off the weight -- and keep it off! -- without pills, laxatives, suppositories, vomiting, untested herbal supplements, artificial drugs, natural flavors, food coloring, invasive surgery, electroshock therapy, psychotropic medications, fish food, fatal illness, or brussels sprouts.

Interviewer: Thanks. Just to finish up, do you have any questions for us?

You: Actually, I do. How would you like to turn your messy closets into neat, organized works of art, without expensive construction, backbreaking labor, or magic potions?

Interviewer: Hmm... That does sound useful... You're hired!