Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Sunday, July 27, 2003

This is not making a political point at all, don't worry. It's just a sketch. Enjoy.

President Clinton, September 25, 1997: “All of us should embrace the vision of a colorblind society but recognize the fact that we are not there yet.”

(Lights up on an intersection. A pregnant woman begins to cross the street. A truck comes barreling down the road, and barely swerves to miss her. She is shaken. The driver pulls over and gets out of the truck to see if she is okay.)

DRIVER: Are you okay, ma’am? I’m terribly sorry… but you shouldn’t be crossing against the light.

WOMAN: Against the light? The light is red! You nearly ran me over trying to run a red light.

DRIVER: Run a red light? No, ma’am. The light was green.

(An elderly man walks by.)

ELDERLY MAN: The light was yellow, folks. Get your eyes checked.

DRIVER: Get your ears checked, old man. We weren’t talking to you.

ELDERLY MAN: Look, if you want me to exit your scene, you don’t have to get nasty about it. Just tell me to go, and I’ll go.

(He exits.)

WOMAN: I do think it’s possible my baby may have been a bit shaken up by the incident back there.

DRIVER: Good thing I’ve got some fix-the-shaken-baby powder in my truck. I’ll go get it.

(He goes to his truck. He comes out with two large boxes. One is bright green with big red letters that say “Baby Poison.” One is bright red with big green letters that say “Fix- the-Shaken-Baby Powder.”)

DRIVER: I know it’s one of these two boxes. I just can’t tell which one.

WOMAN: Me neither. I have no idea. They’re both blank. And kind of gray.

(Elderly man comes by again.)

ELDERLY MAN: It’s the box on the right. The other one’s poison. Get your eyes checked.

DRIVER: Get your prostate checked, old man. We weren’t talking to you.

ELDERLY MAN: Fine, fine. But I’m getting the same actor’s equity paycheck as you whether or not you let me in your scene, so it don’t bother me one bit to sit in the dressing room while you take one joke and turn it into a whole scene. Young people. Never know when to quit.

(He exits.)

WOMAN: You’ve been very nice to me since you almost hit me, sir. I was wondering if you’d like to come see a football game with me.

DRIVER: Perhaps. Who’s playing?

WOMAN: The Washington Redskins and the Green Bay Packers.

DRIVER: Oh, I’m afraid I’m going to have to pass. I can never tell those two teams apart by their uniforms.

WOMAN: Yes, I have the same problem.

VOICEOVER OF PRESIDENT CLINTON: All of us should embrace the vision of a colorblind society…

(Elderly man comes out)

ELDERLY MAN: No, I really don’t think we should…