This is kind of stupid, but...

"Tort People" (to the tune of Randy Newman's "Short People")

Tort People got no reason
Tort People got no reason
Tort People got no reason
To frown

They got little tears
In their eyes
Sit on the stand
Tellin' great big lies
So they get little jurors
To which no one objects
To buy their little stories
And give them great big checks

Well, I don't want no Tort People
Don't want no Tort People
Don't want no Tort People
Suing me

Tort People are just the same
As you and I
(Well, an injured you and I)
All men have lawyers
For the day they "almost die"
(It's a litigious world)

Tort People got nobody
Tort People got nobody
Tort People got nobody
Left to sue

They get little injuries
And they find someone to blame
Call it a class action
And add name after name after name
They get little experts
That go blah, blah, blah
With their great big voices
Juries left in awe
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They're gonna get you every time

Well, I don't want no Tort People
Don't want no Tort People
Don't want no Tort People
'Round here