"So I have these interviews coming up, and I really want to look like I know something about these law firms. What do you suggest I do?"

Thanks for asking. Here's five valuable law firm research techniques, as outlined in the bestselling self-help career guide for the legal industry, "What Color Is Your Paralegal? Uh, I mean Parachute." You might also think of this as chapter 4 of my upcoming imaginary book, "How to Get a Job at a Law Firm if You Are a Character on a Sitcom."

Tip #1. Go to the office of the firm you want to work for, hit the security guard over the head with a large salami, shove him into a supply closet, steal his badge, and switch clothes with him. Then you'll be able to enter the building and do lots of in-person research. I don't know exactly what you'd be looking for, since the office probably looks like any other office, and what exactly will you find out about the firm by looking at the art on the walls. But still, it's worth the effort.

Tip #2. Call the law firm pretending to be a reporter from the New York Times doing a story on what law students need to say in their interviews in order to get a job at your firm. Of course, this will yield fantastic results, because every firm wants to tell a reporter its secrets. Using the name "Jayson Blair" may help you get them to talk. Using Jayson Blair to write your story may lead to some misinformation, however.

Tip #3. Hang out right outside the firm's office, and casually "bump" into the hiring partner while he's carrying a cup of coffee. Apologize profusely and insist he let you buy him another cup of coffee. This guaranteed-to-work scheme will get you a first interview with the hiring partner and allow you an opportunity to impress! Except for the fact you spilled his coffee all over his $3000 suit. Oops.

Tip #4. Send your beautiful foreign cousin to interview for a job as receptionist. Then, once she gets hired, have her tape all of the phone calls and let you listen. You'll know everything the company's doing. And you'll be committing a felony. A perfect start to any legal career.

Tip #5. Feign disinterest. There's nothing an employer likes more than the chase. Pretend you've never heard of them. Play hard-to-get. They'll be eating out of the palm of your hand. Never mind that they have hundreds of other students to choose from, all of whom know the details of their dental insurance plan. You'll be more intriguing, more of a challenge -- and you'll get the job every time. Or not.