World's Worst Interview: The Before-It-All-Starts Vision in my Imagination

INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Sit down.

(I sit down. I miss the chair. Oops. I get up. I sit down. Deep breath.)

INTERVIEWER: Hope you're alright there. How are the interviews going so far?

ME: Just starting. This is my first.

INTERVIEWER: And you're in for a long journey?

ME: I guess.

INTERVIEWER: So I see on your resume that you enjoy walking on hot coals.

ME: That isn't on my resume.

INTERVIEWER: So you don't enjoy walking on hot coals?

ME: No.

INTERVIEWER: Then why does it say so on your resume?

ME: I guess you're not looking at the right resume.

INTERVIEWER: Are you telling me I'm doing something wrong?

ME: I guess. I've got a fresh copy of my resume, if you'd like.

INTERVIEWER: I don't need your fresh copy of your resume. I'll stick with the one I've got. So it says here you're President of the Female Asian Medical Student Association.

ME: Uh, no. That's definitely the wrong resume.

INTERVIEWER: Do you want a job with my firm?

ME: Uh, before I met you I did, yes.

INTERVIEWER: Then you need to answer the questions I ask you. What's it like being an ex-con, 63-year-old first-generation Korean immigrant at Medical School?

ME: It's wonderful.

INTERVIEWER: And why do you want to work for a law firm?

ME: I find law school intellectually stimulating, and think I'd enjoy firm work.

INTERVIEWER: This says you're in medical school, not law school.

ME: Like I said, that's not my resume.

INTERVIEWER: And this isn't my tie.

ME: Huh?

INTERVIEWER: I was making a joke. Do you not have a sense of humor?

ME: If that's the thing that's hurting me in an interview...

INTERVIEWER: Do you want me to hurt you in an interview? Because I can. Even if you're a world-ranked boxer.

ME: I'm not.

INTERVIEWER: So you lied on your resume?

ME: That's not my resume.

INTERVIEWER: So everything on here is a lie?

ME: Not a lie. Just not stuff I've done.

INTERVIEWER: So it's all made up.

ME: As related to me, yes, I suppose so.

INTERVIEWER: Great. So you're a liar without a sense of humor. And you think we should hire you anyway?

ME: Uh... you're twisting my words.

INTERVIEWER: I think I've had about enough of you. (he stands) Best of luck on the rest of your interviews, and you'll hear from us within the next couple of days.

ME: Thanks for your time.

(exit)