E-mails I Didn't Receive From 1Ls About Exams

Jeremy,
I was hoping you might be able to give me some advice. I just took my Contracts exam yesterday, and this morning I woke up in a cold sweat because I think I cited Frigaliment when I meant to cite Raffles. It was a really important part of the exam, part (g) of question 17, and even though I wrote in parentheses (the ships case) and not (the chicken case) I'm concerned my professor won't have any idea what I'm talking about and I'll get an A instead of an A+. So I was thinking that I would sneak into her office and replace my exam with a corrected version. I know exactly what hours she keeps, since I've been trying to visit her as often as possible and get in her good graces so she writes me a good recommendation for the 1L pre-clerkship honors program I'm applying for over at the local courthouse, and I've also befriended the security guard by baking him cookies so he lets me in to see her after hours -- so I'm sure I could get in. I could even use the key I mhad made when I took a plaster image of the lock on her door one day when I was bored. This way she'll know I knew the case. Do you think that's a good idea?

Jeremy,
I need your help!! I just discovered that the version of Glannon's I've been using for Civ Pro is 6 months outdated!! I think the evil demons who attend law school with me must have gotten all of the current editions from the bookstore first, leaving people like me with these almost-useless old and expired versions!! Some people!! So I was hoping you might know offhand which of the rules of civil procedure have changed in the past six months, and whether I'm going to need to drop out of law school because I've been studying from the wrong book or if you think I can still squeak out a C and stcik around for one more semester of watching my classmates backstab me my doing their homework AT MY SEAT in the library, or raising their hands in class JUST WHEN I'M ABOUT TO, or stealing my boyfriend BEFORE I EVEN ASK HIM OUT!! It's horrible, these law students, they're all just awful. Luckily I am level-headed and normal. Just a typical reader of your weblog I'm sure.

Jeremy,
I didn't know where else to turn so I thought I'd write to you. I was taking my law school exam, and I think I might be pregnant. You see, I was reading Glannon's for Civ Pro last night. But I was reading it naked. And all of a sudden I got so excited about Civ Pro, I mean really excited, I love Civ Pro, I really do. So I got really really excited. And now I think I'm pregnant with Glannon's baby. Really. Because I'm feeling these feelings right now while I'm taking the exam. These strange feelings. For example, I just threw up. And I'm eating my pen. Please help.

Jeremy,
I don't know you, and frankly I never even read your weblog because it's really just not that funny. But I was wondering if you could send me your Criminal Law outline, your Torts outline, your Civ Pro outline, and your future first-born child. Thanks.

Jeremy,
I am the grandson of a wealthy Nigerian businessman hoping for your help in converting my Nigerian bank account to an American...