Happy New Year.

I was going to write a semi-serious piece on my New Years Resolutions and law school and something like that -- but first I need to actually think about that stuff so I have something to say. In the meantime...

CREATE YOUR OWN EXAM QUESTION: Torts Edition

Instructions: Pick one each from column A, column B, column C, and column D. Put them together, and voila! Your very own exam question!

COLUMN A

Joan Smith, a 45-year-old file clerk from Alexandria, Virginia
Your mom
Zeptar from outer space
Grandma
Michael Jackson
My husband
A government official working in his governmental capacity
My son's third-grade teacher, while high on crack
A talking dog
A magic eighteen-wheeler

COLUMN B
Spills hot coffee on
Murders
Gives an exploding toaster to
Breaks the leg of
Lands a spaceship in the backyard of
Molests
Intentionally inflicts emotional distress on
Runs over
Feeds copius amounts of McDonalds food to
Sneezes on

COLUMN C
Herself / himself / itself
Your mom
The ghost of Oliver Wendell Holmes
Fifty Cent
Santa Claus
Karl Rove
The family dog
A room full of Jehovas Witnesses
Alvin and the Chipmunks
God

COLUMN D
Who pays?
What would a judge do?
Write a fifteen-page memo describing the legal issues.
Imagine you are the clerk to Justice Ginsburg when the case comes before the court.
Argue for the plaintiff.
List all conflict pairs and resolve the relevant issues.
Distinguish this case from the relevant cases we have read in the course and decide a ruling.
Discuss policy implications for deciding the case in either direction.
Dump all of your torts knowledge onto the page and somehow pretend you've answered the question.

You have three hours. The exam begins now.