NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR LAW STUDENTS (a follow-up to yesterday's Professor Resolutions):

"No more ripping pages out of books in the library just to flummox my classmates."

"I will only play Spider Solitaire once class has actually started, and not beforehand."

"No more using my purported legal knowledge to convince distant relatives to transfer their assets to me."

"I will buy my casebooks this semester instead of just stealing them from the handicapped kid."

"No more sleeping through Wednesdays."

"I will start outlining at least one day before the exam this time."

"No more masturbating to pictures of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. It's just wrong."

"I will not assault any more members of my study group."

"No more pretending to be British. It's not funny anymore."

"I will tell at least one of the four firms I've accepted offers with that I'm not going to actually work there this summer."

"No more using the copy code I got because I'm a professor's research assistant in order to photocopy my behind and send it to all of the people on my professor's mailing list on his stationary with a personalized note."

"I will go to at least as many classes as there are months in the semester."

"No more showing up 20 minutes late and leaving 20 minutes early for a 45-minute class."

"I will re-read the contract I signed when I sold my soul to the devil prior to recruiting season."

"No more taunting my friends at unaccredited law schools because their casebooks have large print and color pictures."

"I will donate one day's salary to charity this summer. Or not."

"No more spending my free time doing "research" for my "paper" on how easy it is to illegally download movies before they are even in theaters."

"I will not file any frivilous lawsuits this year."

"No more cheating on my Lawyer Ethics exams."

"I will stop making New Years resolutions I know I can't keep."