Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Studying for Con Law has inspired me to create a cast of characters fit for a new show on the Cartoon Network, perhaps called "Constitutional Critters" -- or perhaps not.

"Commerce Claws" -- as his name implies, he has giant claws. He can use these claws to snatch back people moving across state lines, or pluck them out of the pipes and sewer systems I think of whenever I think about "channels of commerce." Unfortunately for Commerce Claws, his wife had a terrible accident a few years ago and is in a coma. So you could say she's Dormant.

"Wanda Mentalright" -- obviously she's from whatever foreign country allows her to pronounce her W's like F's, that goes without saying. But beyond that, she is quite a woman. She has two boyfriends. And, let's just say, her personality when she's "under" Doop Rawcess is just a little different from when she's "under" E. Qualp-Rotection. They're very different men from each other. In ways I can't even begin to describe without opening my casebook first.

"Ray Shnelbasis" -- is very easy to step all over. He's the pushover of the group, the guy who'll always defer to whatever everyone else decides. He'll eat wherever, he'll do whatever, as long as it's not too radical or strange.

"S. Rick Tscrunity" -- is Ray Schnelbasis's evil twin. He works as a bodyguard, and nearly nothing gets by him. He blocks stuff from getting by.

"The Alien" -- comic relief. An actual alien! Who is entitled to public school! Imagine the hijinks an alien can cause IN PUBLIC SCHOOL!! Especially when paired with his teacher, Mr. Brown, who spends all day trying to make The Alien play with all of the other children -- you know, in a nice integrated classroom. It's HILARITY!!! (Will Ferrell is the voice of The Alien!!!!)

"Ty Mplacemanner" -- he loves to make rules. Oh how he loves to make rules. I think we write him off after the second episode. He's not so much fun.

"Rita Travel" -- she goes on trips to states, collecting welfare benefits and voting. Very exciting, and a great device for getting us to new places quickly.