Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

(Thanks to Nate for this idea)

"This week on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy: He's a deposed dictator living in a tiny hole in the ground. And using no moisturizer to boot! But the Fab Five get behind the mountain-man beard and take on their hardest challenge yet: Saddam Hussein."

" what I've done is I've added a whole wall of mirrors to the hole down here, because what mirrors do is they add the illusion of space. I've taken the ventilator and painted it a bright orange, and hung some photos of your family, since I can tell that deep down, you're a real family man..."

"...the beard has got to go, Saddam. We're going to add a few blond highlights to the hair, and I'm giving you this great mousse from Paul Mitchell that'll really jazz it up. And, if you want to eliminate those razor bumps, you've got to shave right after you shower, and always with the grain..."

"...even when supplies are limited, it doesn't mean you have to subsist on oats and barley. With a food processor, and some cocktail shrimp, you can turn the oats into a fantastic appetizer spread perfect on crackers. And, the barley makes a great alcoholic beverage once we set up your new home distillery down here and you let it ferment..."

"...the browns and the grays are out, Saddam. It's winter in Iraq, and that means dark blues, and rich greens. I've turned your military uniform into a fashionable pocket square -- and your medals into cufflinks. You may be a ruthless dictator, but you don't have to dress like one..."

" I got you tickets to see the Producers! And Rosie O'Donnell's brand new show with Boy George..."

"The Fab Five have never been faced with a challenge quite like this! Tune in to see Sad Saddam transformed into Hunky Hussein! This week on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!"

(followed by Michael Jackson's new sitcom, "8 Simple Rules For Dating Your Teenage Son")