Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Waddling Thunder has some recipes on his weblog for risotto and dumplings, in an attempt to present ideas for a diet consisting of smaller portions of really good food.

His posts have inspired me to share what I have seen in my year and a half at law school. If you've ever looked around a law school campus and wondered how you could look like the students there -- frazzled, tense, and borderline paranoid -- now, for the first time, you can learn the secrets to the physical side of law school success. Why more workout tapes are filmed on law school campuses than anywhere else.* Why the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog was filmed on Harvard Law School's campus.** Why lawyers live longer than virtually anyone else.***

* = Not true.
** = Definitely not true.
*** = Nope.

The (Secret and Amazing) Law School Nutritional Plan: "For A New You to Sue!"

Seven cups of coffee, black
(For extra benefit, make the coffee too hot, spill it on yourself, and sue somebody)
Institutional donut, glazed

Twizzlers (from vending machine)
Eight more cups of coffee, black.
Caffeine pill

Pre-wrapped cafeteria sandwich, extra mayo
Three 20-oz. bottles of Diet Coke
Institutional donut, glazed
Ballpoint pen, by accident

Potato Chips (from vending machine)
Four more bottles of Diet Coke
The bitten-off head of a little baby bird

Cup O'Noodles (Beef flavored), uncooked (boiling water takes too much time)
Bowl O'Cheese, for calcium
"Coffee Cola" -- four cups coffee mixed with three bottles Diet Coke, plus five tablespoons Red Bull and a shot of Vodka

Repeat DINNER as necessary throughout the evening


"Law School Salad" -- the weeds growing outside your window, use the window moisture as dressing (no time to cook or go to the store -- need to study!)

"Mystery Meat" -- either from cafeteria or from dumpster in front of the library that you can quickly scour in your rush to make it to the circulation desk before the old exam answers are stolen and secretly altered by a classmate

"Recruiting Bonus" -- all the mini egg rolls you can eat without retching, at any of eighteen receptions per evening

"Recruiting Bonus 2" -- all the "Coffee Cola" you can drink, FREE at these receptions!

"Recruiting Bonus 3" -- rejection letters on toast. Delicious.

"Recruiting Bonus 4" -- blood from a lawyer's eyes. Just wait until they've been awake for 60 hours straight and it's a vampire's feast!


Turning a page in a casebook burns 0.04 calories. Read a 1000-page casebook and burn 40 calories! Amazing!