So I've had a bunch of posts this past week about nice stuff the Dean has been doing for students here -- the ice skating rink, free doughnuts and coffee for late-night studying, more money for student organizations. I came up with some more ideas for her, in case she's reading. I'm waiting for e-mails that say...
* "Wireless Internet has been installed throughout the campus - nay, throughout the cities of Cambridge and Somerville - and through a technology grant from the National Institute of Science, every student will be issued a laptop that never crashes, a complimentary subscription to iTunes, and a free mouse pad."
* "Through another technology grant from the National Institute of Science, HLS has been approved as a weather control site for the pilot "let's end winter" program. A biosphere will be installed over the campus and it will be a beautiful 74 degrees each day, with a cool breeze and a bright sun. Except the ice skating rink, which will continue to exist in the actual atmosphere for students' enjoyment until April when it finally melts."
* "The library will now feature "book absorption portals" where you can insert any book, put on the virtual reality headset, and the entire contents of the book will be transferred into your memory banks in a matter of seconds. Also, the library has new coffee mugs for everyone."
* "The 8-hour take home exam format has been replaced with the 8-minute take home exam format, and the curve will now be centered around "A" with a standard deviation of zero."
* "Financial aid has recently seen a windfall of cash and tuition will now be zero. In addition, each student will be receiving $20,000 in Crimson Cash, which is now redeemable anywhere on campus, on selected Internet sites including Amazon, E-Bay, and whatever that site is that delivers groceries, for rent and utilities anywhere in the Boston Metro Area, and at the local ice skate dealerships. Also, if you ask for a cash refund of the Crimson Cash, you will receive 200% of your outstanding balance."
* "Students: in anticipation of the upcoming Presidential election, I am proud to announce that I have secured HLS its very own electoral vote. Because the students here really are the future of the country, I thought it was only fair that we have a full 33% as much power as everyone in Wyoming to decide who the next President will be..."
* "Wireless Internet has been installed throughout the campus - nay, throughout the cities of Cambridge and Somerville - and through a technology grant from the National Institute of Science, every student will be issued a laptop that never crashes, a complimentary subscription to iTunes, and a free mouse pad."
* "Through another technology grant from the National Institute of Science, HLS has been approved as a weather control site for the pilot "let's end winter" program. A biosphere will be installed over the campus and it will be a beautiful 74 degrees each day, with a cool breeze and a bright sun. Except the ice skating rink, which will continue to exist in the actual atmosphere for students' enjoyment until April when it finally melts."
* "The library will now feature "book absorption portals" where you can insert any book, put on the virtual reality headset, and the entire contents of the book will be transferred into your memory banks in a matter of seconds. Also, the library has new coffee mugs for everyone."
* "The 8-hour take home exam format has been replaced with the 8-minute take home exam format, and the curve will now be centered around "A" with a standard deviation of zero."
* "Financial aid has recently seen a windfall of cash and tuition will now be zero. In addition, each student will be receiving $20,000 in Crimson Cash, which is now redeemable anywhere on campus, on selected Internet sites including Amazon, E-Bay, and whatever that site is that delivers groceries, for rent and utilities anywhere in the Boston Metro Area, and at the local ice skate dealerships. Also, if you ask for a cash refund of the Crimson Cash, you will receive 200% of your outstanding balance."
* "Students: in anticipation of the upcoming Presidential election, I am proud to announce that I have secured HLS its very own electoral vote. Because the students here really are the future of the country, I thought it was only fair that we have a full 33% as much power as everyone in Wyoming to decide who the next President will be..."
posted by Anonymous @ 12:39 PM
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