Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Toys for Parents Who Want Their Children To Grow Up To Be Lawyers

1. "Tickle Me, Sex Offender," a plush and furry plaintiff in a prison jumpsuit with extra-sensitive fingers. Whenever anything touches his hand, he says, in a raspy voice, "Now doesn't that feel good?"

2. "Easy Bake Master Exploding Oven," an accident waiting to happen, complete with injured toy victims missing limbs and/or emotionally scarred for life. Help your child train to be a tort lawyer; the set includes toy money like the kind the victims get awarded in real life.

3. "Lite Bright Religious Symbols Edition," which the ACLU calls "a first amendment challenge in a box." Using colored light bulbs, watch your kids re-enact the Last Supper, Jesus on the Cross, the Miracle of Hanukkah, and Joseph Smith leading the Mormons to Utah. Full-projection capabilities enable your child to share his art with kids and adults across the neighborhood by projecting it onto the wall of the county courthouse.

4. "My Little Pony's Dream House on a Hill supported by a Retaining Wall on land filled with Underground Water and Valuable Minerals" introduces property rights to children, teaching them when it's ok to make your neighbor's house sink, and when you have a duty of support. Fun for anyone who's ever come home to a pile of rubble.

5. "Hot Wheels Grand Theft Auto," with ten of the most common cars that get repossessed each year, along with a tow truck, a crowbar, toy intimidators (complete with miniature nightsticks), and a make-your-own-writ-of-replevin kit, popular with kids of all ages.

6. "McDonalds McLawsuit Maker," helping your kids make leaky cups of hot coffee, as well as serve high-fat meals to unsuspecting customers. Our "magic belt" system means that each hamburger your child puts down the throat of a toy customer makes the customer grow bigger and bigger, until he explodes and inside you find a handcrafted model of a distruct courtroom, and a sympathetic jury. The bonus pak includes an advertising module that helps your kids learn how to fool people into thinking fast food is good for them.

7. "Abortion Debate Barbie," details not available at press time. :)