Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Friday, February 13, 2004

Valentine's Day Gifts, If Your Beloved Happens to be a Law Student

1. The Vermont Teddy Bear Company's "Socratic Bear," who comes with an apple for the teacher, and a permanently raised right hand; wears a suit for no reason; carries a casebook; and has a voice chip that randomly says the names of cases. The point being that the bear has read the casebook, cover to cover.

2. Tortious Chocolates, from the Russell Stover Deep Pockets Candy Company, each filled with something else you can sue them over -- razor blades, human organs, unlabeled peanuts for the nut-allergic, pork, fingernail clippings, hair, the date rape drug, the morning after pill... you get the point.

3. A diploma from the University of Phoenix Online law school, just $495 for regular, $595 for honors.

4. Tax flash cards, Valentine's Edition, which come in red and pink with pretty pictures of flowers surrounding the tables and formulas. The Engagement Edition comes with a set of cards that explains how your tax liability will go down if you were married and could file jointly, an romantic enticement to marriage no one could ever refuse.

5. A new Bluebook, for those long nights checking citations. How romantic!

6. Red roses, from the flower shop that lost its revolving line of credit and needed to quickly dump its inventory out of spite so the bank wouldn't get anything when it showed up with the special flower-storage trucks it was going to use to transport the flowers out and over to a flower store that didn't default on its loan. Probably should have taken some more precautions to protect your collateral before effectively shutting down the business, right, Bank? (Can you tell I took Secured Transactions?)

7. Toy handcuffs, to commemorate the experience of taking Criminal Law. Or for some other reason. ??

8. A graphic love poem that borders on sexual harassment or some other tort. Because getting served with a lawsuit on Valentine's Day from your beloved would be so much fun...