Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

I just posted this over at Crescat. I feel like it doesn't break any new ground, but might be amusing anyway. Why I just spent twenty minutes surfing instead of doing real work, I'm not quite sure.

I have not found any evidence that Martha Stewart plans to keep a weblog from prison. But if I did, here's what I might think it would look like on a typical day:

7:13 AM: After an unpleasant night's sleep that would have benefitted from a buckwheat pillow like this one I discovered on my trip to Japan, we were served breakfast on paper plates. Paper plates! I miss my yellowware.

9:27 AM: My cellmate got "married" today to the woman in the next cellblock that she has grown quite fond of over the past few weeks. We held an informal wedding in the library. I wish I could have given out personalized favor boxes to all of our friends, but instead I just wept silently and thought of memories from home, from a life before the Big House.

12:14 PM: The bread is fresh today. For that I am certainly thankful. But how I wish I had some Gruyere cheese and grainy mustard, and access to an oven, so that I could make this inventive bread and cheese meal.

2:29 PM: My shoes got dirty in the garden. Too bad boots aren't allowed. Also, Sandra threatened to bury me alive if I didn't stop correcting the way she was rolling the hose back onto the hook. She said she would "roll my hose." I don't know what she meant by that.

5:15 PM: Sunset. My favorite time of day. At least today they didn't beat me with a rake.

7:36 PM: Two things you "must-have" in prison -- (1) a springform pan for savory and sweet cakes and tarts using fresh ingredients from the garden, and (2) some striped fabric to match my jumpsuit, and make all of my accessories fit right in.

8:50 PM: Dinner is late tonight. I entertained myself in the meantime by making bunny ears. I found a rotten banana by the dumpster. I thought of this recipe. I won't be eating that anytime soon. I ate the banana. Then Sandra beat me with a rake. And the day had been going so well. I soaked my jumpsuit in cold salt water to try and get out the blood stains. It seems to be working.

11:02 PM: Time for bed. I hope I dream about baby booties again. That's such a pleasant dream. More from me tomorrow. I'm Martha Stewart. And this is jail.