Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

No one's been linking to me lately. Maybe my last couple weeks have been sort of lackluster. I'm working on it, I promise. I thought today I'd think outside the box for a bit, and experiment with a cool idea I had this morning.

Twenty Types of Law Students, Each Keyed To A Particular Baseball Player

1. The Barry Bonds

The Barry Bonds is a superstar. His grades lead the class, his comments in class are a home run every time... he's setting records, no one else is in his league. It's ridiculous, really. He's going to be a Supreme Court clerk and everyone knows it. He's also kind of surly to the media.

2. The Pedro Martinez

He doesn't show up at every class, and sometimes when he shows up he leaves early, but when he's there, he's almost perfect. He poses hypotheticals no one can figure out. He makes leaps of reasoning no one can follow. He's brilliant. But fragile.

3. The Albert Pujols

He was aces from day one. Shocking, really. Came in knowing way too much about the law. There are rumors he attended some other law school beforehand, and he's not as inexperienced as he says, but no one's been able to prove it. In any case, he's unbelievable. Just can't find a specialty. First it was Con Law, then they needed him to study Criminal Law. Then Property. Now maybe back to Criminal Law. But anywhere he goes, he's awesome.

4. The Todd Helton

He's good. But not as good as it seems. He cheats. Well, not really. It's just circumstances. His casebook has 40% more answers than everyone else's. His papers take up 40% more pages. It's weird. People have said they should make him take harder exams, or at least curve his performance in a different way. But his raw numbers look tremendous. And he's good. He's just not that good.

5. The Roger Clemens

You thought he graduated, but it turns out he's coming back for another year. He's only going to take classes he's really interested in, and maybe part of the reason he's come back is because his best friend just transferred to this law school, and he wants to hang out with him. All of his children have the initials J.D., like the law degree, except for his adopted foreign child, who has the initials L.L.M.

6. The Derek Jeter

All the girls want to date him. And he's definitely a solid student, his grades are up there, his moot court team keeps winning the championship, year after year after year -- they just do what it takes. But he's not as perfect as it seems. He has weaknesses. In-class exams, not that strong. It appears he is sometimes, but the results don't bear it out. Little range to think outside the box. And his speed is leaving him. He doesn't always finish on time. But, aw, isn't he adorable?

7. The Barry Larkin

He's been here forever! He took a leave of absence last year to deal with a computer virus, which ended up being worse than they thought. He could have transferred a bunch of times, but hasn't. Sacrificing career opportunities to stay at his hometown school. He's outlived his welcome, but there he is, every fall, signing up for classes, talking about how this will be the year he goes to class every day and takes his exams... but then, lately, something always seems to happen, and it doesn't work out for him. He's not getting any younger. But he won't leave!

8. The Eric Gagne

Phenomenal. Just don't ask him any follow-up questions. Another student's having trouble answering the professor's question, he steps right in and takes over. Right answer, almost every time. But the professor sticks with him, and then you get problems. 1, 2, 3 questions he's fine. More than that and you start exposing weaknesses. But he'll answer 'em every day, day after day without fail. Also wears funny glasses, and rumors are he may be Canadian.

9. The Randy Johnson

This student is really not a particularly attractive fellow, and impossibly tall too. But even though he started out kind of erratic, never sure whether he'd be even close with his answer or what, he's really blossomed into quite a performer. His legal analysis moves quicker than anyone else's, can blow an argument right by a judge, and it seems like no one's ever going to catch up with him, no matter how long he goes. He'll talk for nine hours, ten hours, eleven hours if the situation calls for it, and still be right on his game. But he kind of looks like he needs a shower.

10. The Joe McEwing

Aw, he tries so hard. He'll do anything you ask. He'll write a brief, he'll outline the cases, he'll memorize a long list of names for no reason at all. His notes are color-coded, he always shows up to class, he sits right in the front, he listens so carefully. But all that effort is the baseline for him -- it's what he needs to do to survive. He can't speed-read like the guy in the third row, he can't articulate his argument like the girl in the back. But he tries. He really tries. He'll end up a partner in five years, too, because he'll put in the hours.

11. The Jason Giambi

He's gotta be on something. Ritalin, maybe? Drinking too many Red Bulls? Maybe speed? Not sure, but something. Rumors are flying. He was named in the big bootleg-study-guide scandal. He's always been a powerhouse contributor, but now people are starting to wonder. Is it all him, or is he getting help from somewhere? Will we ever really know?

12. The Ben Grieve

First year he made the honor roll. And then something happened. Did he stop trying, sit in his dorm playing video games all day? Did the material just get too hard? Is he not as driven as his classmates? They had such high hopes... and now he's transferred to Thomas Cooley and they're not even sure he'll graduate. Gosh.

13. The Manny Ramirez

Everybody hates him, but you've gotta admit he's smart. Gotta admit he's one of the most talented students in the school. But his scholarship is way too big, he doesn't treat the professors with respect, and he won't come to class if he's got a paper cut. No one wants to be on his mock trial team, even though they'll probably win. The school tried to sell him to Yale, but they didn't even want him for free. They said it was the scholarship, but that's not really it. He just needs a better attitude.

14. The Curt Schilling

He thinks he's the Dean of the Law School. And one day he probably will be, but for now he's got an opinion about everything, and goes onto all sorts of message boards and writes it. He's good but he's a 3L now and time is running out for him to make his mark. He'll do fine, but he wants more than that. He's hungry, even as a 3L. He wants a job at Wachtell. Badly.

15. The Mo Vaughn

He goes to too many law firm receptions and eats all the food he can find. Yes, I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel here and resorting to fat jokes. I'm sorry. Twenty is a lot.

16. The Mike Matheny

He's going to be a professor some day. He's practically a teacher's assistant as it is. He never really helps anyone out in class but apparently he goes to office hours and... well, he must be doing something right or he wouldn't still be around. It seems like he's failing all his classes, but someone must like him... he'll be teaching before we know it.

17. The Joe Mauer

He's not even here yet! But his reputation precedes him. The star 1L, everyone's sure he'll make law review, even before seeing his first exam answer. Expectations are high, no one knows if he'll really be able to live up... but everyone's trying to get in his section, just to see.

18. The Josh Hamilton

He's not here yet either, but probably won't be coming. Keep hearing about him, but the train keeps getting derailed. Study guides are the problem now they say. One-year suspension for using study guides. Also has 26 Supreme Court opinions tattooed all over his body.

19. The Ramon Castro

He may have raped a fellow student. Trial soon. We'll stand clear of this one for a while.

20. The Alex Rodriguez

Superstar. Once "The Barry Bonds" is gone, it will be even more undisputed than it is now. Just transferred to the best school around. Rumors are that he gets his own honor roll, just for him, but we'll see about that. Not only is he on law review, but he has the hardest position. Or at least he did until getting to the new school, where he's agreed to go from Editor in Chief to Executive Editor just to spare someone's feelings. But if they knew what was best they'd keep him as Editor in Chief. He'll probably be there by next year anyway.

(apologies to girls. i didn't mean to use "he" as the only pronoun. girls are just as good as boys at this whole law school thing anyway. and probably at baseball if they'd sign you.)