They’re telling us that next week, we’ll be given course selection information for next year. Due to an obscure provision of the Privacy in Information Act, I’ve been able to get my hands on a copy of the course catalog prior to its official release at a press conference next Monday, which will be attended by dignitaries from around the world along with former child stars Danica McKellar and Rider Strong. My advance copy has allowed me to preview some of the upcoming courses in the space below.

Janet Jackson’s Wardrobe Malfunction and Other Issues in Media Law and Regulation
Visiting Professor George Carlin

Prof. Carlin, who is currently appearing in the hit film “Jersey Girl,” starring Ben Affleck and featuring Jennifer Lopez (but she dies within the first fifteen minutes of the movie, obviously), will be offering this course, which will examine (over and over again) Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl “overexposure” in order to determine how the law should treat naked body parts on television, and whether we ought to create a big, long code that will flummox future generations of lawyers. (This course will be rated TV-MA for adult language, sexual situations, and, despite the pleadings of the faculty committee, occasional full-frontal nudity by Prof. Carlin.)

Losing Election Law
Visiting Professor Howard Dean

Prof. Dean, who will also be teaching a class at the Medical School titled, “It’s Not Easy To Restart Your Medical Practice When Much Of America Thinks You’re Kind Of Loony,” offers a course that examines new law that could be enacted to help losing candidates turn their fortunes around despite massive media mishaps that turn the public against them. Among the legal regimes discussed: banning voters from voting for anyone but Howard Dean, erasing people’s memories, turning back time, and more easily translating fanatic Internet support to actual votes. The course will have a companion weblog, which will get more hits than there are people on the planet but still not increase enrollment beyond three or four liberal nutcases.

Child Pornography
Visiting Professors Paul Reubens and Michael Jackson

Professors Reubens and Jackson, who will team-teach the course in a fully-equipped bedroom rigged with cameras, in front of a live studio audience of ten-year-olds, will announce the complete syllabus later, but want to emphasize that this will be a hands-on class. Students with children of their own are especially invited to enroll and add their unique perspectives.

Securities Regulation
Visiting Professor Martha Stewart

Prof. Stewart acknowledges that many students may be more comfortable taking this class from a more familiar professor, especially since the law school does have a number of talented and experienced scholars in the area. However, she promises to provide food and drink at every class meeting, adorn the classroom with pleasant furnishings and fragrant greenery, and give every student the tools to make his or her own decorative book jacket, to hide how boring Securities Regulation really is. Expect to do “five to ten” hours of outside work per week for the class. The class will meet on Mondays and Wednesdays, but not “Fraud”-days. Prof. Stewart apologizes for that not at all being a funny joke.

Other offerings not funny enough to get a whole paragraph:

Animal Law
Visiting Professor Roy Horn

Narcotics Regulation
Visiting Professor Whitney Houston

Seminar on Gay Marriage
Visiting Lecturer Jerry Falwell

Carbohydrate Law
Visiting Professor Ghost of Robert Atkins