Dean Kagan announces Law School Easter Egg Hunt
Jarvis Field to be filled three feet deep with plastic grass
Following the unfortunate demise of the Jarvis Field Ice Rink (see “Ice Rink Stolen!” above), Dean Kagan announced today that the law school will turn Jarvis Field into the grounds of a massive Law School Easter Egg Hunt. The Field will be filled three feet deep with plastic grass, and 1800 Cadbury Crème Eggs will be hidden inside, incurring a cost that will cause the law school to raise tuition by 15% next year.
Students will be invited to the Egg Hunt by section, along with section professors, who will join the students in digging through the plastic grass for the eggs. “I believe the Easter Egg Hunt will improve student morale tremendously,” said a beaming Dean Kagan. “I have heard the clarion call that students want more out of law school, and this, I am certain, is exactly what they want.”
Reports stolen from Dean Kagan’s office have uncovered that the Dean plans to turn Jarvis Field into a seasonal “land of pleasure,” which will be home to new projects for each major holiday. For Thanksgiving, the Field will become a giant pen for turkeys to roam free, until Dining Services slaughters them for lunch. For Memorial Day, the slain bodies of soldiers will be buried in the ground beneath in a moving and gratuitously expensive ceremony. For Arbor Day, perhaps the most extraordinary plan of all: grass will be planted, and Jarvis Field will be turned back into a Field. “I am expecting student resistance to that one,” said Kagan.
Other reports stolen indicate that, like on Law Review, there will not be affirmative action for women in the Easter Egg Hunt, and that even if no women find any Easter Eggs, none will be provided to them. A coalition of three chickens and an egg (the egg came forward first, incidentally) sent the newspaper a top-secret letter outlining their dissatisfaction with Kagan’s position and imploring the student body to take a closer look at the Easter Egg Hunt results and demand action. Data from peer law schools indicate that while at Harvard only 30% of all eggs in past hunts were found by women, at Columbia women found 54% of the eggs, at the University of Pennsylvania 48%, at Yale 62%, and at Barbara’s Law School For Women, 100% of the Easter eggs were found by women.
The Committee on Eggs released a report this week saying that despite the suspicion that more eggs will be found by men than by women, because women have eggs inside of them and men have sperm, the overall differences will be negligible. The report has been banned by the library for being particularly idiotic, leading Prof. Alan Dershowitz to speak out about the issue. “These students should not be silenced. Even if they’re comparing Easter Eggs to other wholly unrelated eggs that are probably not painted with bright colors, and if they are I hope it’s not lead paint, because that harms children.” Dershowitz also insisted he did not plagiarize his speech, just because he felt like talking some more.
“In addition to the Easter Egg Hunt,” said Dershowitz, “I demand Dean Kagan also hide matzoh in Jarvis Field for Jewish students to find.” After making this demand, he returned to his office to add an appendix to his latest book, “The Case For Israel,” regarding matzoh, and how it may be hidden somewhere in Israel, although he is not sure where.
Jarvis Field to be filled three feet deep with plastic grass
Following the unfortunate demise of the Jarvis Field Ice Rink (see “Ice Rink Stolen!” above), Dean Kagan announced today that the law school will turn Jarvis Field into the grounds of a massive Law School Easter Egg Hunt. The Field will be filled three feet deep with plastic grass, and 1800 Cadbury Crème Eggs will be hidden inside, incurring a cost that will cause the law school to raise tuition by 15% next year.
Students will be invited to the Egg Hunt by section, along with section professors, who will join the students in digging through the plastic grass for the eggs. “I believe the Easter Egg Hunt will improve student morale tremendously,” said a beaming Dean Kagan. “I have heard the clarion call that students want more out of law school, and this, I am certain, is exactly what they want.”
Reports stolen from Dean Kagan’s office have uncovered that the Dean plans to turn Jarvis Field into a seasonal “land of pleasure,” which will be home to new projects for each major holiday. For Thanksgiving, the Field will become a giant pen for turkeys to roam free, until Dining Services slaughters them for lunch. For Memorial Day, the slain bodies of soldiers will be buried in the ground beneath in a moving and gratuitously expensive ceremony. For Arbor Day, perhaps the most extraordinary plan of all: grass will be planted, and Jarvis Field will be turned back into a Field. “I am expecting student resistance to that one,” said Kagan.
Other reports stolen indicate that, like on Law Review, there will not be affirmative action for women in the Easter Egg Hunt, and that even if no women find any Easter Eggs, none will be provided to them. A coalition of three chickens and an egg (the egg came forward first, incidentally) sent the newspaper a top-secret letter outlining their dissatisfaction with Kagan’s position and imploring the student body to take a closer look at the Easter Egg Hunt results and demand action. Data from peer law schools indicate that while at Harvard only 30% of all eggs in past hunts were found by women, at Columbia women found 54% of the eggs, at the University of Pennsylvania 48%, at Yale 62%, and at Barbara’s Law School For Women, 100% of the Easter eggs were found by women.
The Committee on Eggs released a report this week saying that despite the suspicion that more eggs will be found by men than by women, because women have eggs inside of them and men have sperm, the overall differences will be negligible. The report has been banned by the library for being particularly idiotic, leading Prof. Alan Dershowitz to speak out about the issue. “These students should not be silenced. Even if they’re comparing Easter Eggs to other wholly unrelated eggs that are probably not painted with bright colors, and if they are I hope it’s not lead paint, because that harms children.” Dershowitz also insisted he did not plagiarize his speech, just because he felt like talking some more.
“In addition to the Easter Egg Hunt,” said Dershowitz, “I demand Dean Kagan also hide matzoh in Jarvis Field for Jewish students to find.” After making this demand, he returned to his office to add an appendix to his latest book, “The Case For Israel,” regarding matzoh, and how it may be hidden somewhere in Israel, although he is not sure where.
posted by Anonymous @ 11:32 AM
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