Former Dean burns himself with free coffee provided by New Dean, sues school
New Dean claims it was “no accident”

The former Dean, in his first return to the classroom since stepping down as Dean at the end of the 2002-03 school year, reached for a cup of free coffee during the 10-minute break he gave his students, and suffered third-degree burns on his fingers after the coffee dispenser apparently suffered a “coffee malfunction,” according to the police report. The old Dean was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital, where, while under general anesthesia he reportedly said, “This is what the new Dean gets for trying to upstage me. She thinks she can waltz right in here and start giving away free coffee to students. Well, I’ll show her! I’ll show her that it takes more than free coffee. Now I’m going to sue the school for all it’s got – money I raised, mind you – and remind her who’s really in charge. Free coffee? Bah!”

The new Dean released a statement saying the incident was “no accident” and calling on the old Dean to admit that he rigged the coffee machine to leak, simply out of spite. She also produced documents showing his plans to slip and fall on the ice rink, foiled only when she stepped in and destroyed the rink (cf. “Ice Rink Stolen!” above). “He’ll never get away with this!” she said. “Bah!” he said.