Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Today, the April Fools edition of the law school newspaper comes out. (We were on Spring Break last week, so we decided to ignore the calendar and do it this week, since April Fools stories are a lot more fun to write -- and read -- than real stories.) So, pasted below (and in a set of posts below this one) are my contributions to the issue, but I've edited them to make sense to non-Harvard readers... so even if you don't know we had an ice rink in the middle of campus (we did), you'll still get it. Maybe.

Ice Rink Stolen!
Field full of ice mysteriously vanishes – in the middle of daylight!

Dean of Harvard Law School Elena Kagan held a tearful press conference this week to inform the law school community that the Jarvis Field Ice Rink, built over the winter as a morale-booster for cold Massachusetts law students, and which incurred construction costs that forced the law school to completely eliminate the financial aid program, has mysteriously vanished.

According to the police report, at some point between ten in the morning and three in the afternoon, on an unseasonably warm day in early March, the ice rink simply disappeared. The security cameras, which had been set up in the expectation that someone might want to steal the ice rink, and incurred a cost that forced the law school to fire three librarians, showed no signs of forced entry, but it is believed that the gate may have accidentally been left open for the thieves to enter.

Witnesses who saw the theft from their dormitory windows say they saw a suspicious band of students approach the ice rink with funny-looking shoes, perhaps “casing the joint,” according to one 2L who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution by the thieves.

Apparently to cover their footprints, the bandits left a large puddle of water where the ice rink used to be.
According to an emotional Dean Kagan, “I never thought this would happen. I thought the ice rink would be here forever.”

Dean Kagan has announced plans for a memorial service to commemorate the short but glorious life of the Ice Rink. A recently-completed study on the history of ice rinks at American law schools will be presented (also the subject of a seminar next spring), and a portrait of the ice rink to hang in the student center will be unveiled. A committee has been formed to compile a report on the impact the ice rink’s disappearance will have on the law school community at large; a discussion will take place next week among several members of the faculty regarding the ice rink and its legacy.

Like the school did last year after we began the war in Iraq, the Dean has announced that cookies and milk will be made available in the student dining hall for students particularly affected by the ice rink’s disappearance, and the room will be used as a place for solitary reflection on the incident and its aftermath. The office of student counseling has also announced that its staff will be available for extra hours over the next few weeks to help students deal with the tragedy and the effects it has had on their lives. The law firm of Skadden Arps has announced an Ice Rink Memorial Fellowship for 1Ls who wish to pursue legal careers related to the disappearance of ice rinks from law school campuses, and will pay a stipend of $1000/week to one 1L who writes a publishable-quality journal article on the issue.

Dean Kagan announced plans to create an endowed chair in memory of the Ice Rink; one professor will be appointed the Ice Rink Memorial Faculty Member in the fall, and begin teaching classes such as Frozen Water Law, and Professional Responsibility: Ice Rinks. A new wing of the library (tentatively to be named the Detroit Red Wing) will be opened to devote itself entirely to books and journals related to ice rinks, Zamboni machines, and hockey masks. Students will be asked to refrain from bringing any liquids into the room, although solidified liquids will be permitted, and dry ice will be provided to interested students at a nominal fee (chargeable to our Crimson Cash ID-card debit system, which will be renamed Clear and Frosty Cash in memory of the Ice Rink).

Students with any information about the ice rink’s whereabouts should visit Dean Kagan during office hours, next Friday from 6:30 in the morning until 6:32.