A couple of days ago, a friend mentioned that she'd read "The Da Vinci Code." Along with what seems like everyone else who reads. So I asked eher what the big deal is, and why it's getting so much media attention. She said something like (I'm sure I'm getting the details wrong, but I'm not that familiar with that testament, so I don't know the baseline I'm coming from) it was because it posits that Jesus was married to Mary and so Mary wasn't really a virgin, and Jesus wasn't really the son of God. I'm sure I've screwed that up in some major way, but just pretend I know what I'm talking about. Anyway, it gets me thinking that if all you need for a best-selling book is to totally turn a religion on its head, I can totally do that. Hence: my book proposal for the fictionalized new interpretation of the oldest testament we've got -- "The Goldberg Code"
1. There's actually seven Gods: a God of the earth, a God of the sea, a God of the animals, a God of the vegetables, a God of bagels with lox, a God of mercy, and a God of reality television.
2. "Kosher" actually doesn't refer to stuff you should and shouldn't eat, but instead refers to pets you should and shouldn't have. Meaning all you need to do is avoid domesticating pigs and lobsters in your house, and you can actually eat them all you want. But you can't feed your cats any milk, because that would be a violation of the whole milk-meat thing. And you can't put yogurt on your dog. Not that you do that normally. But you can't. Because God says.
3. The Jewish New Year can never fall on a Thursday. Sorry. Just the way it is.
4. Jackie Mason is a prophet, and the three wise men are Jerry Seinfeld, Woody Allen, and Don Rickles. Is Don Rickles even Jewish? I have no idea. That's probably a stage name, but I don't know if it's Don Goldricklesberg, or it's something completely different.
5. Shawn Green, Gabe Kapler, and the many, many other Jewish baseball players actually aren't Jewish at all. It's all a communist plot.
6. No, I have no idea if this is even *supposed* to be funny, or what exactly I'm doing with this post here, except apologizing for yesterday's posts that were completely lacking any humor by at least trying today, even if I'm failing horribly.
1. There's actually seven Gods: a God of the earth, a God of the sea, a God of the animals, a God of the vegetables, a God of bagels with lox, a God of mercy, and a God of reality television.
2. "Kosher" actually doesn't refer to stuff you should and shouldn't eat, but instead refers to pets you should and shouldn't have. Meaning all you need to do is avoid domesticating pigs and lobsters in your house, and you can actually eat them all you want. But you can't feed your cats any milk, because that would be a violation of the whole milk-meat thing. And you can't put yogurt on your dog. Not that you do that normally. But you can't. Because God says.
3. The Jewish New Year can never fall on a Thursday. Sorry. Just the way it is.
4. Jackie Mason is a prophet, and the three wise men are Jerry Seinfeld, Woody Allen, and Don Rickles. Is Don Rickles even Jewish? I have no idea. That's probably a stage name, but I don't know if it's Don Goldricklesberg, or it's something completely different.
5. Shawn Green, Gabe Kapler, and the many, many other Jewish baseball players actually aren't Jewish at all. It's all a communist plot.
6. No, I have no idea if this is even *supposed* to be funny, or what exactly I'm doing with this post here, except apologizing for yesterday's posts that were completely lacking any humor by at least trying today, even if I'm failing horribly.
posted by Anonymous @ 10:09 AM
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