From our relatively new Dean of Students:

Occasionally, students will have a personal emergency during the exam period, if that happens, please call me at my office to discuss (XXX-XXX-XXXX). If something happens during the night and you would rather not wait until the morning to discuss it, feel free to call me at home (XXX) XXX-XXXX or on my cell (XXX) XXX-XXXX.

Now the happy news... a Midnight Pancake Breakfast on Monday May 10. We'll have pancakes, waffles etc in the [student center] from 11pm Monday to 1am Tuesday. If you do this right, the sugar high might carry you to the end of exams...

If I wanted to Parody this e-mail, it might look something like this:

Occasionally, students will have a personal emergency during the exam period -- for example, genital warts -- if that happens, please call me at my office to discuss (XXX-XXX-XXXX). If something happens during the night and you would rather not wait until the morning to discuss it, feel free to call me at home (XXX) XXX-XXXX or on my cell (XXX) XXX-XXXX, or come visit (XXX X Street, XXX -- make a right on XXX after the XXX T-stop). On Saturday from 10AM-4PM I will be at my sister's house. You can give her a call (XXX-XXX-XXXX) or just drop by (XXX X Street, XXX, 3rd Floor). We'll be having chicken. Let me know if you're planning on stopping by, and we'll make up a plate for you. Also, if you're a vegetarian, let me know -- vegetarian options are available. I have a dental appointment on Tuesday at 8:45. My dentist usually runs late, but feel free to call his assistant (XXX-XXX-XXXX, xXXX) to see if I'm still there, or just stop by (XXX, X Street, Suite XXX) and try to catch me before the novocaine. I've been stopping at the Starbucks (www.starbucks.com) on Massachusetts Avenue before work every morning, so you can usually catch me there at 7:52 or so. I'm the one ordering the tall skim latte. Or you can try camping out in the faculty parking lot by my car (License Plate #XXXXXXX) to catch me on the way out, before I head home.

Now the happy news... I'm going to my brother-in-law's wedding on Thursday, and you're all invited. Also, I'm hosting a Midnight Sushi Breakfast on Monday, May 10. We'll have unagi, wasabi etc in the [student center] from 6am to 8am Monday, to start your exam period off right. Happy digesting! (But if it doesn't sit well with you, feel free to use my toilet -- I usually go around 1pm, but stop by (XXX X Street, XXX) and we'll get you in as soon as possible. Good luck!

Or maybe I'm just being needlessly harsh. It's a nice e-mail. She sounds very friendly.