Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Okay, yesterday's sketch was part of a decision I made to exercise my sketch-writing muscle a little bit more. So there will be more for the next little while, along with the usual randomness, and they will hopefully get consistently funnier and better. Last night as I was falling asleep I scrawled down a few ideas.

Excerpts from new FOX shows featuring Simon Cowell as judge

"Birthing Idol"
[Lights up on a woman in labor, pushing and screaming.]
SIMON: I just don't like the head on this one.
SIMON: I've never seen anything so dreadfully ugly.
SIMON: That was a dismal performance. And your gown is hideous.
SIMON: You're bloody covered in blood. Awful.
SIMON: One baby is simply not enough to win this competition. I'm sorry.
SIMON: A boy, a girl, and a sandwich. This is what this competition is all about.

"Homeless Idol"
[Lights up on homeless people.]
SIMON: You stink. Quite literally, you stink.
SIMON: I wouldn't give you a nickel for that performance, I really wouldn't.
SIMON: That performance makes me want to find all of the other homeless people homes, because there's no way any of them can actually be worse than you.
SIMON: Your box isn't even staying together. Pathetic.
SIMON: You are literally freezing to death. This is what Homeless Idol is all about. Congratulations.

"Simon Cowell Judging the Special Olympics"
SIMON: That was special. Specially horrible.
SIMON: If your IQ were any lower, you'd be Paula Abdul."
SIMON: Did you really come here thinking you were the best handicapped child in the country? Because if you did, then maybe you're in worse shape than it seems.
SIMON: Can't walk? Forget it. You're awful.
SIMON: You are drooling on my shoes, but you have star quality. YOU are a special child.

"Simon Cowell at a Nursing Home"
SIMON: Shouldn't you already be dead?
SIMON: I just aged ten years waiting for you to get out of the bathroom. Eighty more and we'll almost be even.
SIMON: I hope you're close to the end, because otherwise that was just terrible.
SIMON: I've seen better talent in the morgue.
SIMON: No teeth? But you can sing regardless? You are why this TV show exists.