"You Working On Anything?"

[Lights up in a young lawyer's office. Computer, lots of paper, nice window view, perhaps a rotting corpse in the corner. Lawyer is playing solitaire. You can tell it's solitaire because he's transfixed on the screen and clicking the mouse. And because he's alone. Let's call him Fred.]

FRED
Come on, black queen. Give me a black queen.

[LAURA, a slightly older lawyer, is suddenly in the doorway.]

LAURA
Looking at interracial gay porn again?

FRED
No, just solitaire.

LAURA
You working on anything?

FRED
Billing code 4123-dash-8.

LAURA
What's that?

FRED
Bathroom.

LAURA
Oh. I billed an hour for that this morning.

FRED
Bored too?

LAURA
No. Mexican.

FRED
Gotcha.

LAURA
SO you want to help me out with something?

FRED
Sure.

LAURA
Great. You're gonna hate this. It's what we gave paralegals until they unionized and demanded we stop in their latest contract negotiations.

FRED
I heard about those. Is that why the paralegals make more than I do?

LAURA
No. They make more than you because they get overtime when they stay until midnight.

FRED
I just get free take-out and a car home.

LAURA
Not anymore. Cars only after 2 AM. And take-out's only breakfast.

FRED
Great. So what's the job?

LAURA
Well, I've got fourteen cartons of paper that were just delivered from the paper factory. Imagine, a paper factory getting sued and the case demanding a document review. A paper factory.

FRED
Like an electric chair manufacturer getting sentenced to death.

LAURA
I hope you do a rotation through the punchline department this summer, because that one died.

FRED
Did you mean that to be a pun?

LAURA
If you're asking, I guess I need some continuing legal education classes myself.

FRED
So you want me to go through the cartons looking for relevant material.

LAURA
That's the second step.

FRED
What's the first?

LAURA
Translating it all from Arabic.

FRED
It's in Arabic?

LAURA
You think they speak English in Minnesota?

FRED
Yeah, I thought they did.

LAURA
Not at this company. They make paper. They speak Arabic. And they used these cartons as spitoons for their chewing tobacco. So you might want to wear gloves.

FRED
Wouldn't it make sense to get someone who speaks Arabic to do this?

LAURA
Does anything we do make sense?

FRED
Good point. So where should I start?

LAURA
Probably with the box marked "1".

FRED
At least they use our numbers.

LAURA
That's looking on the bright side. At least you've got a good attitude. That's one of the things we look for.

FRED
What are the others?

LAURA
Intelligence, drive, and an inability to say no.

FRED
I said no to twelve other firms to come here.

LAURA
Then it's out of your system.

FRED
When do you need this by?

LAURA
Friday.

FRED
And then you'll have something rewarding for me to work on?

LAURA
Probably not, but you can always hope.

FRED
Except on Tuesdays.

LAURA
Right, I see you read the rules.

FRED
Twice.

LAURA
Phlegm.

FRED
Phlegm?

LAURA
It means good luck in Arabic.

FRED
No it doesn't.

LAURA
Are you sure?

FRED
No.

LAURA
Okay then. Phlegm.

FRED
Phlegm.

[Laura exits. Lights out.]