Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Another try at a commercial parody. This may or may not be better than the other two; but I thought maybe I'd try to get inspired by my surroundings.

(Lights up on a law office.)

I have three questions for you. Number one, do you have a checkbook? Number two, have you done anything lately? And number three, uh, do you have a checkbook? If you can answer "yes" to one or more of these questions, you may be eligible for a settlement. Call us. And remember our motto. "You don't get paid, until we get paid." It's easy. Let's hear from a client.

I did something. And had a checkbook. So I called. And they got money. Maybe I did too. I can't remember.

See, a client. And you can be too. We fight for people to whom things happen. Or who see things happen. Or who only hear about them. And we fight about as hard as we need to. To make sure we get paid. And if there's anything left, you get paid too. Sometimes. It's how we've done business for over 75 years. Let's hear from another client.

I signed something. I think. I don't know. What else did you want me to say?

Another client. We've got lots of them. More after each one we get than we had previously. All built around our slogan. "You don't get paid, until we get paid." It's easy. We could write a jingle. But we haven't. Because we're too busy fighting for us. And, perhaps, when we have a chance, our clients. Fall down? Didn't fall down? Saw someone fall down? Heard someone fall down? Read about someone who once fell down? Assume someone must have once fallen down? Call us. We'll help. Someone. Probably ourselves. Let's hear from another client.

I'm a child. Things happen to children. It's scary. They help. All better.

We love children. With checkbooks. Sometimes they don't understand our slogan, so we simplify it for them. "In the event there is money that someone gives to us because something may or may not have happened to you, we take that money. Sometimes, after we have taken as much as we can, we give some to you. Or we don't. It depends. But in all cases, you do not get any money unless we have reached a point where we have gotten money. Understand?" Of course they don't understand. They're children. We love children. They sign wherever we tell them. Let's hear from another client, and his translator.

Bark. Bark bark. Bark bark bark. Bark bark bark bark bark.

Something happened to me. I have no idea what. After all, I am just a dog. They got money. I got my belly rubbed. Seemed fair to me. I have to go poopy now.

People sometimes ask us how much money we have made. The answer is easy. Then they ask how much our clients have received. That answer is hard. Surely you don't really want to see our boring, complicated, hard-to-understand records that we constantly shred. You just want to hear from more clients.

I live in luxury thanks to the work of these fine lawyers. This is the best nursing home in the world, except when they hit me.

Thanks, mom. And you can be our client too. When things happen, or even when they don't, call us. We're here to help. And remember, "you don't get paid, until we get paid."