Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Directly below, I posted a commercial parody sketch about the Democratic Debates, and asked for feedback as to whether it was funny. Go read that one. And then, come back up here, and read this very, very different commercial parody sketch. Which also may or may not be funny. Would love feedback. Thanks. (Warning: ths may be horribly offensive. I don't mean it to be. Tell me if it is so I can delete it. Thanks.)

[Lights up on 4 women in a living room. They’re in their 30s, old friends, laughing, completely at ease with one another.]

WOMAN 1
Ladies, it’s happened to all of us. It’s that time of the month—

WOMAN 2
—but you also need to mail your cable bill.

WOMAN 3
Or you go to the post office—

WOMAN 4
—and you get that feeling down there, like it’s that time of the month.

WOMAN 1
But now, there’s a product that solves this vexing age-old problem.

WOMAN 2
It’s government-issued legal tender postage—

WOMAN 3
—but it’s also a women’s sanitary product.

WOMAN 4
That’s right—

ALL 4 WOMEN
Stampons!!

WOMAN 1
Ultra-absorbent—

WOMAN 2
—and completely valid for all first-class mail deliveries via the U.S. Postal Service.

WOMAN 3
Sticks on the envelope—

WOMAN 4
—but doesn’t stick in you.

WOMAN 1
And stampons come in a variety of sizes—

WOMAN 2
—and denominations.

WOMAN 3
Perfect for heavy flow days—

WOMAN 4
—or boxes up to 5 lbs.

WOMAN 1
Or just for precaution—

WOMAN 2
—Or for a postcard to a friend.

WOMAN 3
I used to tell my husband, all the time, that I wished there was one product that I could use to mail my letters, and to absorb my monthly flow. And now, there is.

WOMAN 4
Just last week I was picking up the mail when I felt that all-too-familiar feeling. So I just tore the cancelled stampon from my credit card application, and inserted it nice and snug where it belonged. Problem solved!

WOMAN 1
And just last week I was on my way to the mailbox, when I realized I hadn’t put any postage on my electric bill – imagine if they turned off the lights! I just reached down my pants, pulled out my stampon, placed it on the envelope, and dropped it in the slot. Problem solved!

WOMAN 2
Stampons are flexible, to fit your body as you move.

WOMAN 3
And come in a variety of themes and designs, like the American flag, the Capitol Building—

WOMAN 4
—Or former President Dwight Eisenhower.

WOMAN 1
I like Ike.

WOMAN 2
I can’t wait for President Clinton to die. He’d be perfect on a stampon!

WOMAN 3
He’s already autographed mine!

WOMEN 1, 2, and 4
Aww…!

WOMAN 4
Stampons have been proven just as effective as traditional women’s sanitary products—

WOMAN 4
But don’t take our word for it. Pick up a box of stampons yourself. Available at a drug store near you—

WOMAN 1
—or from your local post office.

NARRATORS
From the makers of Jemorrhoids, the only jewelry that’s also an inflamed sore.