I saw a play tonight with a friend, called "Chinese Friends." It was not about Chinese people at all. In fact, I'm not really sure what it was about. If you go see it, I expect you too will leave wondering what exactly just happened to the past two hours of your life, and why you have no idea what in the world was going on in front of you. I have no idea. I just don't. I'm pretty smart, but sometimes, whoosh, no idea. I think it was making a political statement. But gosh darn I have no idea what that statement was, besides perhaps "politics is confusing. whoosh." Yeah, so that's what I did.

Before I left work, I got to sit in on a conference call. There were a bunch of lawyers from elsewhere on the call who were either drugged, attempting to pad their hours by talking as slow as possible, or inhabiting some other cosmic time zone where time moves at a different speed. Perhaps my impression is only because I have no idea what they were talking about, but here's how it sounded to me:

Lawyer 1: "Soooooooooooooooooooo, do we thiiiiiiiiink that if we present thiiiiiiiiiiis theory fiiiiiiiiirst, then we miiiiiiiight be able toooooooooo eveeeeeeeeeeentuallllllllly wiiiiiiiiiiiiin points with the juuuuuuuuuuuuudge on that other theeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooory?"

Lawyer 2: "Caaaaaaaaaan yooooooooooou repeeeeeeeeat that, but slooooooooower?"

I don't know what the word "lugubrious" means, but I've decided it sounds like it should mean slow. And so I will say that the conference call was lugubrious. I'm not even going to look it up to check. I'm just going to chance it. How lugubrious of me.

I've decided (although my friend I saw the show with tonight gets about 50% of the credit for this one) that I want to make a mock parody film of that "Super Size Me" movie I saw last week. In my version, I will film myself eating sensible meals from McDonalds and not gaining any weight. Lines from my imaginary script:

"I think half a humburger is enough. I'm full."
"Actually, the salad sounds great today."
"Would you like to supersize it?" "No thanks."
"Oh sh**! Is that a HEAD in my Chicken McNugget??"

I've also decided to make another mock parody of "Super Size Me" called "Super Size My Kid." In that one, I feed a child lots of McDonalds food and he gets really fat. I think it would be a big hit.

I had lunch today at a steakhouse but I got the salmon. It wasn't that good. But I didn't really want the 48-ounce porterhouse, or anything like that. Then they came around with the dessert tray. I didn't want the 48-ounce carrot cake either. It was huge. I didn't think there were that many carrots in the universe. The picture of the carrot drawn with icing on top of the slice was ACTUAL SIZE. They also had a creme brulee, served in a swimming pool. And some chocolate fondue that someone drowned in.