TO: All members of the firm
RE: Dress code

Recently we have noticed some disappointing fashion choices among attorneys and staff, compelling the need for this memo regarding appropriate, inappropriate, and just plain disgusting business attire.

PERMITTED

For men: collared shirts, cuffed slacks (with or without pleat), uncuffed slacks (pleated only), khakis (except for the shade of khaki that falls directly in between beige and tan but would not be properly termed 'light brown'), business suits (above $800 retail price only), anything with pinstripes (including tank tops), brown or black shoes (no sandals), no dungarees (or any other anachronistic name you may use for 'jeans,' not limited to 'blue miners' pants,' 'denim leg coverings,' or 'stonewashed sport casual pants'), nylon or cotton socks (no polyester), boxer briefs only (or no undergarment at all), earmuffs, corncob pipe, fedora, eye patch, BreatheRight nasal strips, wristbands, ring pops, black fingernail polish, antennae.

For women: skirts and/or slacks, in any color darker than the color of your soul, blouses with an odd number of buttons only (blouses with zippers are an exception), scarves, shawls, boas, anything with sequins or feathers, diamonds (real), pearls (fake), sweatsuits (pink only), shoes with heels lower than 1" or higher than 4", stockings (clear or fishnet), army fatigues (bottoms only), any item colored 'lemon yellow,' peacoats, pantyhose, anything made from an animal carcass and/or hide, socks (two or fewer), gloves (one or fewer), shoulder pads (three or greater), spacesuits, gas masks, fire-retardant overcoats, hospital scrubs, leg warmers, bicycle shorts, disposable diapers, cast-iron headware, sundresses, pajamas with feet.

NOT PERMITTED

Shorts, tank tops, anything orange, anything that glows in the dark, anything that exposes any part of your genitalia, anything manufactured in Canada, clothing with small parts that could be swallowed by children, anything with a removable metal spike, anything made entirely of wheatgrass, pompoms, moccasins, anything featuring a brand logo larger than three square inches, anything containing a subliminal message, roller blades, nose rings, nipple rings, kidney rings, liver rings, anything designed to protect your pancreas from unusual trauma, fur coats (live only), anything made mostly (>50%) from seaweed, undergarments worn on the outside, outergarments worn on the underside, anything made of sand, all flavored clothing, anything that creates a fire hazard or is in fact actually on fire, anything made of the shredded remains of old client records, anything that appears to be purposefully torn, anything made of cheese, anything attractive, anything that matches your neighbor, anything bold, anything stylish, anything cheap.

Thank you for your careful attention to these matters.