Fifty Ways To Leave Your Law Firm

Have a heart attack, Jack
Punch a partner in the face, Grace
Get appointed to the court, Mort
Pay off your final student loan, Joan
Turn the firm into the Fed, Fred
Pad your time sheets to excess, Bess
Spend your workday watching porn, Lorne
Decide you'd like to see your kid, Sid
Choke a client till he's blue, Drew
Beat a summer with a stick, Rick
Check your e-mail once a day, Ray
Salvage remnants of your soul, Joel
Beg to be hired by a client, Bryant
Refuse to ever stay there late, Nate
Take your vacations during trials, Miles
Complain, complain, complain, complain, Jane
Start a law firm on your own, Stone
Get reimbursed for brand new cars, Lars
Go to the bathroom in the hall, Paul
Set the Records room aflare, Blair
Call in a threat you've got a bomb, Tom
Switch sides and work for the D.A., Jay
Go to lunch and don't come back, Mack
Follow your heart; do Legal Aid, Wade
Come to work not wearing pants, Lance
Live with the natives in Peru, Sue
Become a ski bum on the slope, Hope
Insider trade in client stock, Rock
Don't bathe until you're really smelly, Kelly
Have a baby -- or have eight, Kate
Decide you're okay being poorer, Laura
Go on Survivor: you might win, Lynn
Tell the Chairman he should die, Sy
Bring a gun to CLE, Lee
Suggest the compensation system be fairer, Sara
Steal the law firm's private jet, Brett
Don't listen when the girl says no, Joe
Don't file taxes for a while, Kyle
Insist you won't work with a gal, Hal
Insist you won't work with a man, Stan
Stab your secretary, Jerry
Give everyone crabs, Babs
Insist you saw a UFO, Flo
Get rejected for a visa again, Sven
Leap out the window; you can fly, Guy
Drive your car straight off a Cliff, Biff
Get very, very, very sick, Mick
Oh, just go find a better job, Rob
Tell the firm it's not them, it's you, Lou
And, finally, just get up and leave, Steve.