Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Summer Associate Departure Procedures

TO: Summer Associates
FROM: Recruiting Department

1. Have all work assignments done the day before you leave.

2. In the event it is impossible for (1) to occur, update all attorneys you are working with that you will be unable to continue on the project. Send your in-progress materials to them, with a status report and a list of open items.

3. In the event that after you follow the instructions in (2), the attorney threatens you with (a) bodily harm, or (b) negative career impacts, please refer the attorney to the recruiting department.

4. In the event that after you follow the instructions in (3), you find yourself on the wrong end of a profanity-laced tirade, please remind the attorney that it is not possible that any of the work you have been doing was actually important. This should put the issue to rest.

5. Send a copy of all memos you have completed to the Records Department.

6. If (5) is impossible because you have not written any memos, don't tell anyone.

7. Regarding (6), if you've already told someone, tell them you were lying.

8. Put all of your supplies in a box, except the ones you intend to steal. Put the ones you intend to steal in your bag. Items you should not steal: legal work, client information, the emergency energy bars. Items you are allowed to steal: pens, post-it notes, binder clips, small paper clips. More items you should not steal: large paper clips (we have a shortage), your secretary.

9. On your last day at the firm, please leave your computer at your desk. Do not attempt to exit the building with your computer. Someone is likely to notice.

10. In the event (9) does not occur, and you do leave the building with your computer, we will hold you responsible for any outstanding work product as referred to in (2), but we will not compensate you for your time.

11. We will not pay for your lunches once the summer has ended. Please do not submit receipts hoping we will make a mistake and send you a check.

12. (11) counts for taxicabs as well.

13. Please don't vomit in your desk drawers. Someone has to clean that up.