Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Field Guide to the Corporate Lawyer

Genus: Corporaticus
Species: Firmicum

Plumage: Dark colors, but never black. Members of the species see just two colors: navy blue, and charcoal gray. Other colors hurt their eyes and provoke startled reactions. Occasional outbursts of creativity are expressed through neckwear, becoming increasingly less common except among the older or more risk-averse members of the species, who will uniformly favor neckwear with inoffensive patterns or stripes. Some younger, rebellious members of the species have experimented with replacing the traditional white shirts with various shades of blue, but are having trouble making the trend stick among the elders of the tribe. Cufflinks are always gold. Shoes are always shined. Hair is always kempt. Jewelry is verboten among the men, but women are encouraged to wear hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of gemstones on their body at all times, as a demonstration of wealth and vigor.

Habitat: Office buildings, usually in offices with windows. Members of the species have a complicated relationship with the outside world. They want to see it, but never actually feel it. Windows never open in the natural habitats, but are seen as a sign of power. They never go outside, but want to view the outside world as spectators. Similarly, they have a complicated relationship with their close relatives. They enjoy placing photographs of them in picture frames throughout their habitats, but refrain from encountering them in the flesh. No habitat is complete with a personal computing device, as well as a miniature version for the pocket. Electronic interaction is the preferred method of communication, even in situations of close physical proximity between the communicating parties. Habitats also include a great deal of paper. We believe they must eat it for fuel. Despite spending the vast majority of their waking hours in their primary habitat, they often own many others which are never, ever used, despite being lavishly furnished and often in lovely communities filled with related species Doctoricus Medicinus, Bankron Investamenticus, Consultorium Managementum and Familial Inheritancementacem.

Feeding Habits: Members of the species feed in two ways. The usual modus operandi is to remain in their habitats during feeding, requiring members of a related species (Delivericus Asiatic) to bring nourishment to them in brown bags and paper containers. However, when they do choose to leave their habitats they flock to the most well-adorned and lavish emporiums of food to be found in the area. They are especially adept at calculating exactly how much food to order so as to stay under a pre-assigned maximum reimbursable food cost by as few cents as possible. It is an extraordinary skill.

Courtship Behavior: Lately, mostly with their personal computing devices. Also, Escortum Highclassicum.

Mating Call: The sound of money coming out of an Automatic Teller Machine.

Child Rearing: Corporaticus Firmicum are unique in that they bear children but engage in no nurturing behavior and in fact often abandon their offspring for more time spent in their primary habitats. Offspring often end up bearing the cost of this behavior by mutating into Spoiledem Braticus or Dealeramici Cocainem.

Physical Activities: None. They ride in motorized vehicles under normal circumstances, usually black. It is not known if the legs of members of the species are in fact functional or serve only to balance weight when the sit in their leather desk chairs.

Leisure Time: None. Corporaticus Firmicum survive without a need for leisure, much as birds survive without a need for gills. The concept is foreign to the species, the situation rarely contemplated.

Field Notes: Do not approach a member of the species in the wild unless you are specifically summoned to a habitat. They could be dangerous, or at least call the cops on you.

Subspecies: Transacticus, Litigatorium