Not among the e-mails I've received since the Anonymous Lawyer story: a proposal for Anonymous Lawyer action figures. Personally, I'm disappointed. What kid wouldn't want an action figure of a guy in a suit, hands flailing, Blackberry in his pocket. And the entire set of anonymous action figures, including Anonymous Word Processing Dude, Anonymous Vending Machine Filler, and Anonymous Front Desk Receptionist.

But, and I swear I'm not making this up, I did receive this e-mail:

"It’s hard to for me communicate with writers that I admire. I worry about making a good impression and you’re so skilled in criticism I’ve been re writing this sentence for way too long. So here it is: ... I want you to work with me on a screenplay for a lesbian porno in defense of promiscuity in a relationship."

It goes on to say, "Yes, you can also be present during filming."

I've got to imagine this is a joke. If not, it doesn't quite seem like the right fit if he's read any of either blog.

Because if I actually decided to do this, which I'm not, doesn't he realize this is what it would look like?

DOCTOR: Thanks for coming in, Mrs. Jones. You know, it's important you have these once-a-week breast exams.

MRS. JONES: I know, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Oh, please, call me Stacy.

MRS. JONES: Sure, Stacy. And as I was saying, I know these once-a-week breast exams are important, just like the once-a-week rectal exam, and the once-a-week inside-of-my-mouth tongue exam. But only one question. For these breast exams, why is it that *I'm* the one examining *your* breasts?

DOCTOR: Oh, it's a new policy. Our 360-degree evaluation program. The doctors examine the patients, but the patients also examine the doctors. Plus, my nurse comes in too and watches while she touches herself. Could you pass the bizarre looking medical instrument that can't possibly be a medical instrument but since we're in a doctor's office we're going to pretend?

MRS. JONES: Sure. But while I pass you this bizarre looking medical instrument that can't possibly be a medical instrument but since we're in a doctor's office we're going to pretend, can you turn on some terrible music that sort of sounds like '70s music, but we couldn't get the rights to that so it's just a bad imitation?

DOCTOR: Sure. And could you turn on the video camera?

MRS. JONES: Remind me why we're videotaping this...

DOCTOR: Quality control.

MRS. JONES: Oh, okay. That's fine. All set.

DOCTOR: Okay, here we go.

MRS. JONES: Ready or not.

DOCTOR: All set now.

MRS. JONES: What are we waiting for...

DOCTOR: I don't know...

[end of scene]

Yeah, well, now I've pretty blown that chance by posting this dialogue. Aw, shucks. For more lesbian porn written by a law student trying to be funny, check out a Family Law casebook near you....