Jeremy's Weblog

I recently graduated from Harvard Law School. This is my weblog. It tries to be funny. E-mail me if you like it. For an index of what's lurking in the archives, sorted by category, click here.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Proctor Instructions Fifty Years From Now

Please exit your hovercrafts and take your seats. This is the exam in Intergalactic Affairs with Professor [Tongue click]owitz. If you are not enrolled in this class, you are in the wrong academic space pod. Exit through the automatic retransportation hole and proceed to the appropriate pod. This is a closed book, no brain implantation devices exam. Please remove all brain implantation devices and place them in the basket at the end of each aisle. You will be able to collect them at the end of the exam. Please make sure they are turned completely to the off position. The electromagnetic fields can interfere with the administration of the exam. We have hard copy creation tablets at the front of the room in which you will write your answers in glow-in-the-dark gel ink bearing your own unique fingerprint identifier, courtesy of our friends at ExxonMobilGoogle. My robot assistant will hand out the tablets as I continue speaking. Thank you, robot assistant. In case of an electrical power surge, please float to the nearest retransportation hole and exit the space pod. Leave your tablets at your stations. If anyone has a broken excretory vaporizer and needs to use the manual depositories during the exam, you will need to leave your biohazard suit with the robot at the door before you will be allowed to leave. Please be sure to jiggle the handle on the manual depository. It has recently been getting stuck. The time of the exam is seventeen seconds. There will be forty questions to answer. There is also a physical challenge element. When you reach that portion of the exam, please focus your eye lasers toward the seal on the back wall, and further instructions will be electrosensomated to your cerebral cortex. Try not to blink. At the conclusion of the exam, my robot assistant will vacuum your tablets. Keep your hands a safe distance away from the tablets when time is called. We do not want a repeat of last year's tragedy. If you finish the exam before the seventeen seconds are up, you are permitted to use your cellular food rehydrators to prepare your lunch. Please be sure the sound is turned off. Yesterday, someone's ringer went off and the entire space pod was treated to fourteen seconds of "Candle in the Wind 2054" commemorating the tragic death of famed actor Haley Joel Osment in the wind turbine accident. Please avoid wind turbines on your way out of the space pod. Has everyone received their examination tablets? At the count of three I will morph into a werewolf. Once the morph is complete, that is your signal to break the fingerprint seal on the tablets and begin. Thank you.